Narcissism, or narcissistic personality disorder, is a recognized personality disorder in which a person displays at least 5 of the following common traits: <\/p>\n
- \n
- Sense of self-importance<\/span><\/li>\n
- Preoccupation with power, beauty, or success<\/span><\/li>\n
- Entitled<\/span><\/li>\n
- Can only be around people who are important or special<\/span><\/li>\n
- Interpersonally exploitative for their own gain or power<\/span><\/li>\n
- Arrogant<\/span><\/li>\n
- Lack of empathy (particularly for their significant other).<\/span><\/li>\n
- Must be admired<\/span><\/li>\n
- Envious of others or believe that others are envious of them<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
A specially trained professional is the only one who can diagnose people with narcissistic personality disorders. Few narcissists are diagnosed with NPD because they rarely agree they need professional help.<\/p>\n
Admitting they need help would directly conflict with the extraordinary sense of superiority and excessive admiration they seek.<\/p>\n
For what purpose do narcissists gaslight?<\/em><\/h3>\n
A narcissist uses gaslighting to protect their fragile ego and inflated sense of self-importance. They often deflect when confrontated by their partner regarding their own actions to avoid responsibility, and maintain control or dominance. They may resort to extreme manipulation to ensure their narcissistic needs are met<\/p>\n
Some narcissists also derive sadistic pleasure when they witness the impact gaslighting has on their victim and gaslighting becomes almost a sport for these narcissists. <\/p>\n
It\u2019s so important for the victim to recognize the signs of gaslighting so they may protect themselves and preserve their mental health.<\/p>\n
How can you tell if you are being gaslighted?<\/p>\n
Signs A Narcissist is Gaslighting You<\/h2>\n
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<\/span><\/p>\nDr. Ramani Durvasula provides relatable, common signs you are being gaslighted: If you have an almost uncontrollable need to record a conversation because you want to play it back for the person to make sure you heard it right, you are being gaslighted. <\/p>\n
If that doesn\u2019t convince you, play the recording back to them and see them become extremely angry, even raging because you are calling them out on their behavior and they do not like it.<\/p>\n
Notice the gaslighter using the fact that you recorded them to gaslight you further by saying, \u201cSee, I told you you were crazy! That you would actually record your own spouse, you\u2019re nuts!\u201d <\/p>\n
Some more telltale signs that you are being gaslighted are:<\/p>\n
- \n
- You feel like you are imagining things or losing your mind<\/span><\/li>\n
- You are unable to figure out what is going on in your relationship<\/span><\/li>\n
- You are in an ongoing state of feeling confused<\/span><\/li>\n
- You constantly second-guess yourself and question your own memory<\/span><\/li>\n
- You lose trust in your own judgment or question reality<\/span><\/li>\n
- It is difficult for you to make the simplest of decisions<\/span><\/li>\n
- You often ask yourself if you\u2019re being too sensitive<\/span><\/li>\n
- You may find yourself apologizing and doing so repeatedly for the same \u201coffense\u201d<\/span><\/li>\n
- You regularly defend your partner or lie to family and friends to avoid having to make excuses for your partner<\/span><\/li>\n
- You feel hopeless, depressed, joyless, worthless, incompetent<\/span><\/li>\n
- You are more and more uncomfortable in social or community settings<\/span><\/li>\n
- You choose to isolate yourself when you never used to do so<\/span><\/li>\n
- You feel like you are a shadow of your old self<\/span><\/li>\n
- You may be at the stage where you are fighting to provide clarity to your abusive partner to no avail<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Some narcissistic gaslighting examples are seen in what the abuser says to their victim, such as, \u201cDon\u2019t be so sensitive,\u201d \u201cThat never happened.\u201d <\/p>\n
They’ll even feign compassion, \u201cAre you sure you\u2019re OK?\u201d \u201cI\u2019m worried about you; you seem unwell.\u201d<\/p>\n
This makes you doubt your own feelings and sanity.<\/p>\n
The Impact on Your Mental Health<\/h2>\n
Gaslighting develops gradually over time. It is subtle and hard to detect. The abuser may use various covert techniques such as countering, withholding, minimizing, and denial, to shift blame on the victim, dismissing, or scapegoating to gaslight their victims. <\/p>\n
Meanwhile, the victim will do anything to return to the love bombing phase when they first fell in love.<\/p>\n
The gaslighting narcissist will use any or all of these tactics to obtain the desired outcome from the gaslighting behavior where the victim questions their own sanity rather than correctly identifying that they are being emotionally abused.<\/p>\n
Psychotherapist and Clinical Supervisor Christine Louis de Canonville from Ireland describes the various stages and escalation of gaslighting as follows:<\/p>\n
The Idealization Stage <\/h3>\n
Also known as the \u201choneymoon\u201d or love bombing phase, this is when a narcissist is on their best behavior and puts their finest qualities forward, showering their partner with attention, romance, compliments, and gifts. They are fun, engaging, and seemingly deeply interested and invested in the relationship. <\/p>\n
During this phase, the victim gets swept up into the fantasy that is being portrayed believing that the euphoria, love, and bond they feel is reciprocal, but it isn\u2019t. When the victim lets their guard down, the narcissist identifies the victim\u2019s strengths and weaknesses helping them transition into the next phase when the gaslighting behavior truly begins.<\/p>\n
Victims will work to restore what they thought was a reciprocal love relationship. When they are unsuccessful, the victim blames themselves.<\/p>\n
The Devaluation Phase<\/h3>\n
This is when Dr. Jekyll becomes Mr. Hyde. Almost overnight, the narcissist changes from a romancer to a cold and uncaring person leaving the victim shocked and confused by the sudden change. To the victim, it\u2019s as if they can do nothing right but in light of their recent past during the honeymoon phase, the victim is certain they can change their own behavior and gain back the narcissist\u2019s attention and admiration. <\/p>\n
Loving efforts by the victim are often met with harsh criticism or rejection, denial, the abuser playing the victim, or even cold silence making the victim feel confused, anxious, and devalued. The sudden shift in personality also devastates the victim leaving them highly stressed and depressed. They desperately try to manage and avoid the narcissist\u2019s cruelty by \u201cwalking on eggshells\u201d while trying to understand what they did wrong. <\/p>\n
Victims will work to restore what they thought was a reciprocal love relationship. When they are unsuccessful, the victim blames themself. The narcissist uses this to validate a higher level of disdain and toxic devaluation of the victim\u2019s self-worth through false accusations and other toxic behavior, which make the victim try harder to please them, thereby feeding their abuser with their required narcissistic supply and empowerment. <\/p>\n
The push-pull of this abusive relationship has the abuser treating the victim hatefully, but because the victim is feeding their partner\u2019s narcissism through their extraordinary efforts to please them, the narcissist also gets their own needs met and won\u2019t allow the victim to leave.<\/p>\n
The Discarding Phase<\/h3>\n
By this phase of narcissistic gaslighting, the victim is already dependent on their abuser who has complete disdain for their over-dependence. The onslaught of covert tools used to gaslight the victim during the \u201cdevaluation phase\u201d has left the victim questioning their own sanity and experiencing significant self doubt causing them to forgo social or other community situations in exchange for isolation.<\/p>\n
The narcissist remains indifferent to the victim\u2019s needs or wishes as if they no longer exist, leaving the victim confused as they desperately try to understand what went wrong. The narcissist bullies the victim by shutting them down with silence resisting any attempt to resolve their conflict. The victim craves any remedy that might return the joy of the \u201cidealization phase.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ways to Protect Yourself from Narcissistic Gaslighting<\/h2>\n
How do you deal with a narcissist gaslighter?<\/p>\n
We find that many victims have trouble separating themself from a narcissistic gaslighter because they falsely believe the honeymoon phase was real and will return. This is known as \u201cmagical thinking\u201d by the victim who depends on a future or change that will rarely come.<\/p>\n
If you feel strong enough to endure your partner\u2019s reactions, confront them on their distortions and lies. Tell them you know what really occurred and you will not be persuaded otherwise or gaslit.<\/p>\n
But don\u2019t wait for them to change or expect them to meet your emotional needs. Get help dealing with the harmful symptoms their gaslighting has caused.<\/p>\n
How to Start Healing from the Trauma of Narcissistic Gaslighting<\/h2>\n
If you believe you are being gaslighted, now is the time to get the help you need. <\/p>\n
Strengthen yourself by reading, researching and reviewing podcasts or videos regarding covert emotional abuse, narcissism, gaslighting. <\/p>\n
Clarity is the first necessary step toward healing. The more you learn, the more clear you will become.<\/p>\n
Scour through our website and utilize the resources we provide. Education will raise your awareness and bring you strength. <\/p>\n
Importantly, identify a therapist specially trained in narcissistic or covert abuse and trauma and start counseling. A well-trained and experienced therapist can help you confirm your suspicions, set healthy boundaries, and overcome the trauma, anxiety and\/or depression you are experiencing.<\/p>\n
Reclaiming Your Identity and Voice in the Relationship<\/h2>\n
It is exceedingly difficult to stand firm in your identity and strong in your individual voice when you are in an intimate relationship with a narcissistic gaslighter. Often, it requires you to physically separate from them for a season during which you can reclaim both identity and voice.<\/p>\n
Here are some tips to help you:<\/p>\n
Whatever reason they might have for being abusive (bad childhood, extreme stress, addiction, etc.), they are solely responsible for choosing to abuse. Abuse is a choice the narcissist makes and it’s never the victim’s fault<\/p>\n
Remember, it\u2019s not your fault.<\/em><\/h3>\n
It\u2019s nearly impossible for a victim of narcissistic gaslighting to avoid internalizing the downgrading, criticisms, and attacks of the gaslighter which make the victim feel responsible for the narcissistic abuse itself. A victim\u2019s strong inner critic and negative thought cycle are the intended results narcissists seek through gaslighting.<\/p>\n
Gain control and start to reverse the self-blame by becoming conscious of the negative internal dialogue. Consciously refute it and stop defining yourself as the reason or cause for their behavior.<\/p>\n
Knowing that it\u2019s not your fault is a critical step in your restoration. Each of us deserves to experience empathy and be treated with respect. Whatever reason they might have for being abusive (bad childhood, extreme stress, addiction, etc.), they are solely responsible for choosing to abuse. Abuse is a choice the narcissist makes and it’s never the victim’s fault Purging your internal critic will empower you and help you to reconnect to your high self-worth.<\/p>\n
Create Space from Your Abuser<\/h3>\n
This can happen in a couple of ways:<\/p>\n
Stop reacting. <\/h4>\n
Easier said than done, right? Right. A victim\u2019s reactions to abuse are often involuntary, impulsive ways their brain tries to protect them from recurring abuse. Many victims are surprised by their own reactions, which might be out of character for them. Professionals call this \u201creactive abuse\u201d<\/a>; MEND calls it \u201creactive defense.\u201d <\/p>\n
Although it can be hard to control traumatic reactions, it\u2019s a possible and effective step to take if you can. Natural reactions are hard to control when you’re being repeatedly traumatized which is an indicator that you need to take a larger step of physically separating and removing yourself from the abuse in order to regulate your emotions.<\/p>\n
It will become easier for you to create a psychological distance once you learn to recognize which gaslighting tactics are being repeatedly used against you. When you recognize your partner is using a gaslighting tactic against you, stop and try to observe their behavior with a mental distance. Remind yourself it\u2019s a tactic that is designed to make you react a certain way. Then, choose not to respond to those tactics. <\/p>\n
- You are unable to figure out what is going on in your relationship<\/span><\/li>\n
- Preoccupation with power, beauty, or success<\/span><\/li>\n