Often, people do not think of \u2018unkindness\u2019 as a sign of abuse. But it can be. And it\u2019s crucial to learn not only how to recognize it, but also what steps you can take to identify what you are experiencing and if it’s abuse in your relationship.<\/p>\n
In this guide, you\u2019re going to learn:<\/p>\n
Let\u2019s talk about it. <\/p>\n
First, let\u2019s start by answering the question:<\/p>\n
What does unkind treatment look like?<\/em><\/p>\n Unkind treatment<\/span><\/strong> <\/span>includes behaviors like subtle or overt put-downs, a lack of excitement towards your accomplishments or things you’re enthusiastic about, undermining your confidence or interests, and\/or belittling you and your value in any number of ways. A lack of empathy for your feelings is something else you might notice or that your spouse is more focused on being defensive than they are on resolving conflict in a respectful way. <\/p>\n Unkindness occurs covertly and overtly. <\/p>\n Covert Unkindness Includes Things Like:<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n Then:<\/p>\n Overt Unkindness Includes Things Like:<\/strong><\/p>\n These cruel psychological manipulations take place by the abuser\u2019s choice. It\u2019s not an accident and it\u2019s never the victim\u2019s fault. <\/p>\n When you are on the receiving end of these behaviors, feelings of confusion and overwhelm are common. <\/p>\n And underneath these symptoms, the basic accusation in any unkindness is: You are wrong.<\/p>\n We have found that the first step to healing is clarity<\/span><\/strong>,<\/span> it is essential to identify the behaviors you are grappling with and to understand what they mean.<\/p>\n Unkindness that occurs as a singular thoughtlessness, or a momentary defensive reaction, that is understood by the other and apologized for, is NOT abuse. <\/p>\n This type of mistake is a human misstep that the other is happy to acknowledge, correct, and NOT repeat.<\/p>\n If you are in a relationship, the most basic litmus test of love is:<\/p>\n Does your partner protect and shelter your vulnerabilities?<\/p>\n Or\u2026<\/p>\n Do they expose, exploit, or roll over your vulnerabilities?<\/p>\n When your partner knows what you \u201chide\u201d from the world, your vulnerabilities, and uses them against you, the partner is typically treating you badly to divert attention off their own destructive behavior, or to remove the responsibility of caring for your vulnerabilities. <\/p>\n Whether minor or major, passive-aggressively or aggressively, this is active sadism\u2014not just mere unkindness. <\/p>\n These exploitations are covert abuse and these covert tactics are hard to identify and confront. They harm the victim’s perceptions, memories, and thinking, and can lead to feelings of insanity. It is intended to exert control in a less obvious way, and can be bewildering for the victim. <\/p>\n This type of abuse is considered to be one of the most destructive forms of abuse, second only to life-threatening battery. It is the common thread among all forms of relational abuse.<\/p>\n Look: most relationships don\u2019t begin with overt violence like a punch. However, when covert compromises occur within a person\u2019s sense of self and sanity, in this state, the victim is less likely to walk away once overt abuse begins.<\/p>\n Learn more about covert abuse and its signs here<\/a>.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n The first step to healing yourself and potentially your relationship is to begin noticing patterns.<\/strong><\/p>\n In order to best accomplish this, especially if there is gaslighting occuring<\/span><\/a>, we encourage you to begin keeping a diary, or log, or journal (which you\u2019ll need to keep safe from prying eyes), and begin documenting all the interactions that feel abusive to you, in their varied forms. <\/p>\n While you may need this data for future legal reasons, the main purpose right now is to see on the page what is happening, as moment-by-moment as possible, to identify consistent behaviors. <\/p>\n This document will help you get out of the swirl of your mind and give you important feedback and reminders when you are considering what you should do to respond.<\/p>\n What you are looking for are cycles of exposing, exploiting and rolling over your vulnerabilities.<\/p>\n Here\u2019s some examples of these patterns that you want to see clearly:<\/p>\n Examples of exposing your vulnerabilities run the gamut from very minor slights, like a sarcastic remark about a vulnerability, to outright shaming you for them\u2014either to yourself or in front of others:<\/p>\n Exploiting<\/span><\/strong> <\/span>your vulnerabilities means that your partner makes use of them for their advantage<\/em>. <\/p>\n Examples of exploiting your vulnerabilities include:<\/p>\n Being alone as a recipient of the abuse causes a bewildering inability to sort out one\u2019s traumatic experience.<\/p>\n Rolling over your vulnerabilities means to minimize, belittle, or deny your vulnerabilities so they don\u2019t have to be responsible for caring for them. <\/p>\n Examples of rolling over your vulnerabilities could include:<\/p>\n These below guidelines will hopefully offer information and support for victims who are suffering from abuse-related emotional unkindness, and educate readers about the complex nature of abuse.<\/p>\n Be careful whom you choose to confide in, because you need to be mindful of the potential for Secondary or Double Abuse\u00ae\ufe0f. <\/p>\n Double Abuse<\/a> occurs when a victim reaches out for help to family, friends, a therapist, a pastor, or their community. Rather than receiving the help they desperately need, they are met with judgment, disbelief, blame, punishment, shunning, or any number of other negative responses. <\/p>\n The increased vulnerability, courage and hopeful expectation required for an abuse victim to speak out sets them up for quite a fall when the response is doubly abusive, usually blaming the victim for the abuse taking place. Such a downfall can lead to learned hopelessness.<\/p>\n Why is this important? It is essential that you find your voice\u2014and as you become more and more aware of what is happening, become able to speak your experience to others who can offer you help.<\/p>\n Next, see if there are those in a larger circle than only your friend or family member to whom you could turn to for validation and guidance: a trustworthy church, study group, your larger family, or small social circle.<\/p>\n On the other hand, if you become confronted with doubt, blame, or harsh requirements to \u201cfix\u201d your situation, you\u2019ve found the wrong circle. <\/p>\n Couples therapy is not recommended in these early or middle phases of recovery. <\/p>\n Most therapists are not professionally trained to diagnose emotional and physical forms of domestic violence. <\/p>\n We find it typical for therapeutic educators to believe that specialized training beyond the few hours therapists receive in school should only be required of those therapists who serve domestic violence victims and perpetrators. <\/p>\n Understanding that active abuse cannot be healed in therapy as a couple is crucially important for you to understand. <\/p>\n If there is abuse, then abuse is the ONLY key issue that needs to be addressed in therapy.<\/p>\n Please review our page about Couple\u2019s Therapy<\/a>.<\/p>\n If those you approach are unable to listen, validate, and support you, thank them for their time, and do not turn to them again. <\/p>\n This is the time when your voice and your words need to help you hold onto the truth you have learned. <\/p>\n Those facing such situations must approach their recovery cautiously, seeking professional guidance, supportive communities, and using personal discernment to identify both immediate needs and long-term healing paths. <\/p>\n Create a safe exit plan<\/a>.<\/p>\n Finally, if you are in a critical situation that you must extricate yourself from as soon as possible, follow these four steps for immediate help:<\/p>\n Ultimately, understanding that abuse is never the fault of the victim<\/a> is crucial in beginning the healing process.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Often, people do not think of \u2018unkindness\u2019 as a sign of abuse. But it can be. And it\u2019s crucial to learn not only how to recognize it, but also what steps you can take to identify what you are experiencing and if it’s abuse in your relationship. In this guide, you\u2019re going to learn: Two […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":23,"featured_media":7802,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":"","tve_updated_post":" Often, people do not think of \u2018unkindness\u2019 as a sign of abuse. But it can be. And it\u2019s crucial to learn not only how to recognize it, but also what steps you can take to identify what you are experiencing and if it's abuse in your relationship.<\/p><\/div> In this guide, you\u2019re going to learn:<\/p> Let\u2019s talk about it. <\/p><\/div> First, let\u2019s start by answering the question:<\/p> What does unkind treatment look like?<\/em><\/p> Unkind treatment<\/span><\/strong> <\/span>includes behaviors like subtle or overt put-downs, a lack of excitement towards your accomplishments or things you're enthusiastic about, undermining your confidence or interests, and\/or belittling you and your value in any number of ways. A lack of empathy for your feelings is something else you might notice or that your spouse is more focused on being defensive than they are on resolving conflict in a respectful way. <\/p> Unkindness occurs covertly and overtly. <\/p> Covert Unkindness Includes Things Like:<\/span><\/strong><\/p> Then:<\/p> Overt Unkindness Includes Things Like:<\/strong><\/p> These cruel psychological manipulations take place by the abuser\u2019s choice. It\u2019s not an accident and it\u2019s never the victim\u2019s fault. <\/p> When you are on the receiving end of these behaviors, feelings of confusion and overwhelm are common. <\/p> And underneath these symptoms, the basic accusation in any unkindness is: You are wrong.<\/p> We have found that the first step to healing is clarity<\/span><\/strong>,<\/span> it is essential to identify the behaviors you are grappling with and to understand what they mean.<\/p> Unkindness that occurs as a singular thoughtlessness, or a momentary defensive reaction, that is understood by the other and apologized for, is NOT abuse. <\/p> This type of mistake is a human misstep that the other is happy to acknowledge, correct, and NOT repeat.<\/p> If you are in a relationship, the most basic litmus test of love is:<\/p> Does your partner protect and shelter your vulnerabilities?<\/p> Or\u2026<\/p> Do they expose, exploit, or roll over your vulnerabilities?<\/p> When your partner knows what you \u201chide\u201d from the world, your vulnerabilities, and uses them against you, the partner is typically treating you badly to divert attention off their own destructive behavior, or to remove the responsibility of caring for your vulnerabilities. <\/p> Whether minor or major, passive-aggressively or aggressively, this is active sadism\u2014not just mere unkindness. <\/p> These exploitations are covert abuse and these covert tactics are hard to identify and confront. They harm the victim's perceptions, memories, and thinking, and can lead to feelings of insanity. It is intended to exert control in a less obvious way, and can be bewildering for the victim. <\/p> This type of abuse is considered to be one of the most destructive forms of abuse, second only to life-threatening battery. It is the common thread among all forms of relational abuse.<\/p> Look: most relationships don\u2019t begin with overt violence like a punch. However, when covert compromises occur within a person\u2019s sense of self and sanity, in this state, the victim is less likely to walk away once overt abuse begins.<\/p>Learn more about covert abuse and its signs here<\/a>.<\/span> The first step to healing yourself and potentially your relationship is to begin noticing patterns.<\/strong><\/p> In order to best accomplish this, especially if there is gaslighting occuring<\/span><\/a>, we encourage you to begin keeping a diary, or log, or journal (which you\u2019ll need to keep safe from prying eyes), and begin documenting all the interactions that feel abusive to you, in their varied forms. <\/p> While you may need this data for future legal reasons, the main purpose right now is to see on the page what is happening, as moment-by-moment as possible, to identify consistent behaviors. <\/p> This document will help you get out of the swirl of your mind and give you important feedback and reminders when you are considering what you should do to respond.<\/p> What you are looking for are cycles of exposing, exploiting and rolling over your vulnerabilities.<\/p> Here\u2019s some examples of these patterns that you want to see clearly:<\/p><\/div> Examples of exposing your vulnerabilities run the gamut from very minor slights, like a sarcastic remark about a vulnerability, to outright shaming you for them\u2014either to yourself or in front of others:<\/p><\/div> Exploiting<\/span><\/strong> <\/span>your vulnerabilities means that your partner makes use of them for their advantage<\/em>. <\/p> Examples of exploiting your vulnerabilities include:<\/p> Being alone as a recipient of the abuse causes a bewildering inability to sort out one\u2019s traumatic experience.<\/p><\/div> Rolling over your vulnerabilities means to minimize, belittle, or deny your vulnerabilities so they don\u2019t have to be responsible for caring for them. <\/p> Examples of rolling over your vulnerabilities could include:<\/p> These below guidelines will hopefully offer information and support for victims who are suffering from abuse-related emotional unkindness, and educate readers about the complex nature of abuse.<\/p><\/div> Be careful whom you choose to confide in, because you need to be mindful of the potential for Secondary or Double Abuse\u00ae\ufe0f. <\/p> Double Abuse<\/a> occurs when a victim reaches out for help to family, friends, a therapist, a pastor, or their community. Rather than receiving the help they desperately need, they are met with judgment, disbelief, blame, punishment, shunning, or any number of other negative responses. <\/p> The increased vulnerability, courage and hopeful expectation required for an abuse victim to speak out sets them up for quite a fall when the response is doubly abusive, usually blaming the victim for the abuse taking place. Such a downfall can lead to learned hopelessness.<\/p> Why is this important? It is essential that you find your voice\u2014and as you become more and more aware of what is happening, become able to speak your experience to others who can offer you help.<\/p> Next, see if there are those in a larger circle than only your friend or family member to whom you could turn to for validation and guidance: a trustworthy church, study group, your larger family, or small social circle.<\/p> On the other hand, if you become confronted with doubt, blame, or harsh requirements to \u201cfix\u201d your situation, you\u2019ve found the wrong circle. <\/p> Couples therapy is not recommended in these early or middle phases of recovery. <\/p> Most therapists are not professionally trained to diagnose emotional and physical forms of domestic violence. <\/p> We find it typical for therapeutic educators to believe that specialized training beyond the few hours therapists receive in school should only be required of those therapists who serve domestic violence victims and perpetrators. <\/p> Understanding that active abuse cannot be healed in therapy as a couple is crucially important for you to understand. <\/p> If there is abuse, then abuse is the ONLY key issue that needs to be addressed in therapy.<\/p> Please review our page about Couple\u2019s Therapy<\/a>.<\/p> If those you approach are unable to listen, validate, and support you, thank them for their time, and do not turn to them again. <\/p> This is the time when your voice and your words need to help you hold onto the truth you have learned. <\/p> Those facing such situations must approach their recovery cautiously, seeking professional guidance, supportive communities, and using personal discernment to identify both immediate needs and long-term healing paths. <\/p> Create a safe exit plan<\/a>.<\/p> Finally, if you are in a critical situation that you must extricate yourself from as soon as possible, follow these four steps for immediate help:<\/p>\n
\n
\n
Differentiate Abuse from Mistakes<\/h3>\n
Why Does My Partner Treat Me So Bad?<\/h3>\n
Bringing Clarity to the Complexities<\/h3>\n
1. Exposing Vulnerability Examples<\/h3>\n
\n
2. Exploiting Vulnerability Examples<\/h3>\n
\n
3. Rolling Over Your Vulnerabilities Examples<\/h3>\n
\n
Find Safe Spaces for Healing<\/h2>\n
Should I Involve Myself in Couple\u2019s Therapy?<\/h3>\n
Conclusion<\/h2>\n
\n
The Basics: Two Types of Unkind Behaviors<\/h2><\/div>
Differentiate Abuse from Mistakes<\/h3>
Why Does My Partner Treat Me So Bad?<\/h3><\/div>
<\/span><\/div>Bringing Clarity to the Complexities<\/h3><\/div><\/div>\n<\/div>
1. Exposing Vulnerability Examples<\/h3><\/div>
2. Exploiting Vulnerability Examples<\/h3><\/div>
3. Rolling Over Your Vulnerabilities Examples<\/h3><\/div>
Find Safe Spaces for Healing<\/h2><\/div>
Should I Involve Myself in Couple\u2019s Therapy?<\/h3>
Conclusion<\/h2>