{"id":5966,"date":"2023-10-04T08:48:22","date_gmt":"2023-10-04T15:48:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/themendproject.com\/?p=5966"},"modified":"2026-03-11T11:16:56","modified_gmt":"2026-03-11T18:16:56","slug":"when-the-mask-falls-off-by-yaya","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/staging.themendproject.com\/es\/when-the-mask-falls-off-by-yaya\/","title":{"rendered":"When the Mask Falls Off: By Yaya"},"content":{"rendered":"<p dir=\"ltr\">In this survival <a href=\"https:\/\/staging.themendproject.com\/es\/emotional-abuse-stories\/\" style=\"outline: none;\">story of emotional abuse<\/a>, you\u2019re going to learn about Yaya and her relationship\/marriage with a narcissist who kept his abusive, narcissistic tendencies a secret for months while they dated. Through her story, you\u2019ll learn:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li dir=\"ltr\">How covert narcissistic abuse can hurt and cause deep wounds<\/li>\n<li dir=\"ltr\">How her boyfriend (later husband) hid his abusive tendencies until later in the relationship<\/li>\n<li dir=\"ltr\">How she took a stand and drew boundaries to escape<\/li>\n<li dir=\"ltr\">How her relationship with God led her toward greater healing<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Let\u2019s talk about it.<\/p>\n<h2 style=\"font-size: 35px !important;\">The Fairytale Beginnings<\/h2>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">I never saw it coming. I didn\u2019t even realize what was happening as it happened.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">I met the guy that all fairytale stories told me I should be looking for.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">I was only sixteen, but I had known him from before.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">We shared mutual friends, and we had gone to school together for a time.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">It wasn\u2019t a big school, everyone was in everyone\u2019s business. One big, nosy family.<\/p>\n<h2 style=\"font-size: 35px !important;\">The Warning Signs<\/h2>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">Someone should have noticed, and someone should have warned me.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">I wish I would have noticed.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">If you\u2019re not actively seeking discernment, it\u2019s easy to miss the signs because they look exactly like everything society tells us we should want.<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">He pursued me hard. He asked my dad if he could date me. He showed up at my house and hung out with me and my family.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">He planned dates thoroughly.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">He opened doors for me.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">He paid for everything.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">He brought flowers and cards to my school almost on a daily basis.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">He participated in church and church activities with me, lifting his hands in worship.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">His outside appearance was a little hard for my conservative Christian family, having tattoos and long hair, and always having nice cars and motorcycles.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">But, it was easy to look past when considering how well he treated me and most everyone else around me, for the time being.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">He was able to keep this up strong for a good nine months.<\/p>\n<h2 style=\"font-size: 35px !important;\">The Shifting Dynamics<\/h2>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">When the mask began to fall, I blamed myself.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">I think mostly because he let me believe whatever was \u201cwrong\u201d was my fault.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">It was crazy-making to not know what shifted and to strive to go back to what it was in the beginning.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">In my striving, I became obsessed.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">He became my idol and replaced God, and I didn\u2019t even notice.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">We broke up twice, but could never stay apart.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">But things never went back to how they were in the beginning.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">I just wrote it off as the honeymoon phase and decided it was unrealistic to try to go back.<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">Little did I know that I was agreeing to compromise for the next decade.<\/p>\n<h2 style=\"font-size: 35px !important;\">The Reality of Marriage<\/h2>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">I married him when I was eighteen in order to not lose him, and so I wouldn\u2019t look foolish for how much time and emotions I invested in him.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">I had something to prove to everyone. I had a fairytale to make come true.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">If it\u2019s not him, no one else would want me (at least, that\u2019s what he had convinced me of).<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">As soon as we were married, things went downhill fast.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">I was so confused that marriage didn\u2019t look at all what I had thought it should, or even what I had heard from others.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">My expectations were off\u2014but even if they were accurate, we were still left with a mess of a marriage.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">His first affair he admitted to was only one month after our wedding.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">He seemed repentant, so we continued on, and I suffered in silence.<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">After his next affair, I filed for divorce, right after I found out I was pregnant with our first.<\/p>\n<h2 style=\"font-size: 35px !important;\">Finding Strength and Spirituality<\/h2>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">I began to start getting closer to God again.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">His behavior began to get better again, so I dropped the divorce with high hopes.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">His change was temporary in order to keep me around. He had no one to replace me with yet, even though he continued to talk to his married mistress.<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">In my confusion and desperation, I sought attention from other men and had my own affairs, which proved to make things worse instead of better.<\/p>\n<h2 style=\"font-size: 35px !important;\">The Tumultuous Years<\/h2>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">My abuser began to act more vindicated in his own affairs and issues.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">We stayed married for 7 1\/2 more years, which was filled with chaos, confusion, desperation, and panic.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">We had two more children in this time.<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">Finally, at around our 8-year anniversary, he admitted to affairs with at least a dozen more people.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">But, he quickly told me to get over it because he had already dealt with it.<\/p>\n<h2 style=\"\">The Final Straw<\/h2>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">In my anger, I told him to leave, and this was our last chance to get right and reconcile.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">He verbally agreed, but went on to pursue divorce right after I quit my job (which had provided a certain lifestyle for him).&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">My choice at this time was to finally pursue God wholeheartedly.<\/p>\n<h2 style=\"font-size: 35px !important;\">Healing Through Faith and Community<\/h2>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">I also got into counseling and got involved in Bible study with my church.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">After the divorce was final, God led me to an article on gaslighting, and everything began to make sense.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">All of the pain and confusion began to come together.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">I wasn\u2019t crazy!&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">From this time forward, I have had flashbacks of things I used to consider normal.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">From the excruciating name-calling and verbal abuse to the realization that rape can happen within marriage.<\/p>\n<h2 style=\"font-size: 35px !important;\">Lessons Learned<\/h2>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">I knew that I had played a part, but not everything had been my fault as I had originally been convinced.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">I learned that physical abuse doesn\u2019t always look like a punch in the face or a kick down the stairs, but can be \u201cjokes\u201d of putting out cigarettes on my body and towel-snapping my vagina until it welted and bled.<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">I am blessed that I didn\u2019t grow up in an abusive family.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">I have had their support, help, and love.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">They have believed me, my story, and everything I have gone through.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">Having my character questioned by good people has been the hardest part next to not having the ability to protect my children from him.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">But, God has proven to be faithful as I have sought and obeyed Him.<\/p>\n<h2 style=\"font-size: 35px !important;\">Finding Peace and Purpose<\/h2>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">It doesn\u2019t make it less difficult, but it gives me peace that surpasses all understanding.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">I have been given godly, supportive friendships through this.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">God has given me a purpose out of it, and He continues to show me that He is in control.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">Nothing is lost in the bad decisions I have made, and as my abuser walks free and continues to abuse, I still have peace and joy that I don\u2019t have to do more than my part.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">Following Christ is denying ourselves, even if we aren\u2019t necessarily in the wrong.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">God\u2019s best is better than our good.<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">Trust and obey. That\u2019s my secret to healing, even as the abuse continues, even if it is indirect.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">God will lead us to where we need to be.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h2 style=\"\">Conclusion<\/h2>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">This story is just one of many real-life examples that demonstrate why a pervert or abuser cannot be spotted based on appearances; as in this case with this woman\u2019s relationship, abusers often spend years or even their whole lives trying to cover up their true identity in order to get away with wrongdoing.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p dir=\"ltr\">Make sure when someone shares a story with you about how they were treated unkindly that you don\u2019t let masks or cover-ups hinder you from believing their story.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>In this survival story of emotional abuse, you\u2019re going to learn about Yaya and her relationship\/marriage with a narcissist who kept his abusive, narcissistic tendencies a secret for months while they dated. Through her story, you\u2019ll learn: How covert narcissistic abuse can hurt and cause deep wounds How her boyfriend (later husband) hid his abusive [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":23,"featured_media":5970,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":"","tve_updated_post":"<div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\"><p dir=\"ltr\">In this survival <a href=\"https:\/\/staging.themendproject.com\/emotional-abuse-stories\/\" class=\"\" style=\"outline: none;\">story of emotional abuse<\/a>, you\u2019re going to learn about Yaya and her relationship\/marriage with a narcissist who kept his abusive, narcissistic tendencies a secret for months while they dated. Through her story, you\u2019ll learn:<\/p><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\" data-css=\"tve-u-6511934b513140\"><ul class=\"\"><li data-css=\"tve-u-6511934b5131e4\" dir=\"ltr\">How covert narcissistic abuse can hurt and cause deep wounds<\/li><li data-css=\"tve-u-6511934b5131e4\" dir=\"ltr\">How her boyfriend (later husband) hid his abusive tendencies until later in the relationship<\/li><li data-css=\"tve-u-6511934b5131e4\" dir=\"ltr\">How she took a stand and drew boundaries to escape<\/li><li data-css=\"tve-u-6511934b5131e4\" dir=\"ltr\">How her relationship with God led her toward greater healing<\/li><\/ul><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\"><p>Let\u2019s talk about it.<\/p><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\"><h2 data-css=\"tve-u-6511934b513218\" class=\"\" style=\"font-size: 35px !important;\">The Fairytale Beginnings<\/h2><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\" data-css=\"tve-u-6511934b513249\"><p dir=\"ltr\">I never saw it coming. I didn\u2019t even realize what was happening as it happened.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">I met the guy that all fairytale stories told me I should be looking for.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">I was only sixteen, but I had known him from before.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">We shared mutual friends, and we had gone to school together for a time.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">It wasn\u2019t a big school, everyone was in everyone\u2019s business. One big, nosy family.<\/p><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\"><h2 data-css=\"tve-u-6511934b513218\" class=\"\" style=\"font-size: 35px !important;\">The Warning Signs<\/h2><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\" data-css=\"tve-u-6511934b513249\"><p dir=\"ltr\">Someone should have noticed, and someone should have warned me.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">I wish I would have noticed.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">If you\u2019re not actively seeking discernment, it\u2019s easy to miss the signs because they look exactly like everything society tells us we should want.<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">He pursued me hard. He asked my dad if he could date me. He showed up at my house and hung out with me and my family.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">He planned dates thoroughly.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">He opened doors for me.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">He paid for everything.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">He brought flowers and cards to my school almost on a daily basis.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">He participated in church and church activities with me, lifting his hands in worship.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">His outside appearance was a little hard for my conservative Christian family, having tattoos and long hair, and always having nice cars and motorcycles.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">But, it was easy to look past when considering how well he treated me and most everyone else around me, for the time being.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">He was able to keep this up strong for a good nine months.<\/p><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\"><h2 data-css=\"tve-u-6511934b513218\" class=\"\" style=\"font-size: 35px !important;\">The Shifting Dynamics<\/h2><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\" data-css=\"tve-u-6511934b513249\"><p dir=\"ltr\">When the mask began to fall, I blamed myself.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">I think mostly because he let me believe whatever was \u201cwrong\u201d was my fault.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">It was crazy-making to not know what shifted and to strive to go back to what it was in the beginning.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">In my striving, I became obsessed.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">He became my idol and replaced God, and I didn\u2019t even notice.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">We broke up twice, but could never stay apart.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">But things never went back to how they were in the beginning.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">I just wrote it off as the honeymoon phase and decided it was unrealistic to try to go back.<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">Little did I know that I was agreeing to compromise for the next decade.<\/p><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\"><h2 data-css=\"tve-u-6511934b513218\" class=\"\" style=\"font-size: 35px !important;\">The Reality of Marriage<\/h2><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\" data-css=\"tve-u-6511934b513249\"><p dir=\"ltr\">I married him when I was eighteen in order to not lose him, and so I wouldn\u2019t look foolish for how much time and emotions I invested in him.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">I had something to prove to everyone. I had a fairytale to make come true.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">If it\u2019s not him, no one else would want me (at least, that\u2019s what he had convinced me of).<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">As soon as we were married, things went downhill fast.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">I was so confused that marriage didn\u2019t look at all what I had thought it should, or even what I had heard from others.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">My expectations were off\u2014but even if they were accurate, we were still left with a mess of a marriage.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">His first affair he admitted to was only one month after our wedding.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">He seemed repentant, so we continued on, and I suffered in silence.<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">After his next affair, I filed for divorce, right after I found out I was pregnant with our first.<\/p><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\"><h2 data-css=\"tve-u-6511934b513218\" class=\"\" style=\"font-size: 35px !important;\">Finding Strength and Spirituality<\/h2><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\" data-css=\"tve-u-6511934b513249\"><p dir=\"ltr\">I began to start getting closer to God again.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">His behavior began to get better again, so I dropped the divorce with high hopes.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">His change was temporary in order to keep me around. He had no one to replace me with yet, even though he continued to talk to his married mistress.<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">In my confusion and desperation, I sought attention from other men and had my own affairs, which proved to make things worse instead of better.<\/p><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\"><h2 data-css=\"tve-u-6511934b513218\" class=\"\" style=\"font-size: 35px !important;\">The Tumultuous Years<\/h2><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\" data-css=\"tve-u-6511934b513249\"><p dir=\"ltr\">My abuser began to act more vindicated in his own affairs and issues.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">We stayed married for 7 1\/2 more years, which was filled with chaos, confusion, desperation, and panic.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">We had two more children in this time.<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">Finally, at around our 8-year anniversary, he admitted to affairs with at least a dozen more people.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">But, he quickly told me to get over it because he had already dealt with it.<\/p><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\"><h2 class=\"\" data-css=\"tve-u-18f7f5bae54\" style=\"\">The Final Straw<\/h2><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\" data-css=\"tve-u-6511934b513249\"><p dir=\"ltr\">In my anger, I told him to leave, and this was our last chance to get right and reconcile.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">He verbally agreed, but went on to pursue divorce right after I quit my job (which had provided a certain lifestyle for him).&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">My choice at this time was to finally pursue God wholeheartedly.<\/p><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\"><h2 class=\"\" data-css=\"tve-u-6511934b513218\" style=\"font-size: 35px !important;\">Healing Through Faith and Community<\/h2><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\" data-css=\"tve-u-6511934b513249\"><p dir=\"ltr\">I also got into counseling and got involved in Bible study with my church.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">After the divorce was final, God led me to an article on gaslighting, and everything began to make sense.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">All of the pain and confusion began to come together.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">I wasn\u2019t crazy!&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">From this time forward, I have had flashbacks of things I used to consider normal.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">From the excruciating name-calling and verbal abuse to the realization that rape can happen within marriage.<\/p><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\"><h2 class=\"\" data-css=\"tve-u-6511934b513218\" style=\"font-size: 35px !important;\">Lessons Learned<\/h2><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\" data-css=\"tve-u-6511934b513249\"><p dir=\"ltr\">I knew that I had played a part, but not everything had been my fault as I had originally been convinced.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">I learned that physical abuse doesn\u2019t always look like a punch in the face or a kick down the stairs, but can be \u201cjokes\u201d of putting out cigarettes on my body and towel-snapping my vagina until it welted and bled.<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">I am blessed that I didn\u2019t grow up in an abusive family.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">I have had their support, help, and love.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">They have believed me, my story, and everything I have gone through.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">Having my character questioned by good people has been the hardest part next to not having the ability to protect my children from him.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">But, God has proven to be faithful as I have sought and obeyed Him.<\/p><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\"><h2 class=\"\" data-css=\"tve-u-6511934b513218\" style=\"font-size: 35px !important;\">Finding Peace and Purpose<\/h2><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\" data-css=\"tve-u-6511934b513249\"><p dir=\"ltr\">It doesn\u2019t make it less difficult, but it gives me peace that surpasses all understanding.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">I have been given godly, supportive friendships through this.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">God has given me a purpose out of it, and He continues to show me that He is in control.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">Nothing is lost in the bad decisions I have made, and as my abuser walks free and continues to abuse, I still have peace and joy that I don\u2019t have to do more than my part.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">Following Christ is denying ourselves, even if we aren\u2019t necessarily in the wrong.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">God\u2019s best is better than our good.<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">Trust and obey. That\u2019s my secret to healing, even as the abuse continues, even if it is indirect.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">God will lead us to where we need to be.&nbsp;<\/p><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\"><h2 class=\"\" data-css=\"tve-u-18f7f5c02db\" style=\"\">Conclusion<\/h2><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\" data-css=\"tve-u-6511934b513249\"><p dir=\"ltr\">This story is just one of many real-life examples that demonstrate why a pervert or abuser cannot be spotted based on appearances; as in this case with this woman\u2019s relationship, abusers often spend years or even their whole lives trying to cover up their true identity in order to get away with wrongdoing.&nbsp;<\/p><p dir=\"ltr\">Make sure when someone shares a story with you about how they were treated unkindly that you don\u2019t let masks or cover-ups hinder you from believing their story.<\/p><\/div>","tve_custom_css":"@media (min-width: 300px){:not(#tve) [data-css=\"tve-u-6511934b513218\"] { 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