When abuse is present in a relationship, a trauma bond can form, making it difficult, and seemingly impossible, to stay or leave the harmful relationship.<\/p>\n
Trauma bonding can occur in romantic partnerships, friendships, and other intimate relationships.<\/p>\n
In adult relationships, trauma bonds often perpetuate early childhood trauma from disrupted attachment styles with primary caregivers, creating unhealthy patterns that persist into adulthood.<\/p>\n
In this article, we will:<\/strong><\/p>\n Let\u2019s get started.<\/p>\n As the phrase indicates, a trauma bond is a bond or connection between two people where one is an abusive person and the other is the target of their abuse.<\/p>\n Trauma bonding occurs when the victim has a psychological response to abuse, which develops into a deep sense of empathy, sympathy, and affection for their abuser.<\/p>\n People who experience childhood trauma bonds and unresolved early attachment disruption are highly susceptible to forming trauma bonds in adult relationships where abuse occurs.<\/p>\n Some people mistakenly think that a trauma bond refers to a positive connection formed through shared past traumas. However, this is not the case.<\/p>\n A trauma bond occurs in abusive relationships and involves the reinforcement of unhealthy patterns from past trauma.<\/p>\n These bonds are characterized by dysfunctional attachments<\/strong> perpetuated within the current relationship rather than healthy connections formed from shared experiences.<\/p>\n Trauma bonds can be hugely destructive.<\/p>\n Abusers will use subtle forms of manipulation to make the victim believe they need the abuser\u2019s care and validation to feel complete.<\/p>\n The victim then becomes highly dependent on the abusive relationship\u2014whether it\u2019s with family, a romantic partner, a friend, or in a work setting. This dependency can become so intense that the victim is willing to overlook the harmful phases of the relationship, which prevents the development of a healthy, loving emotional connection.<\/p>\n They can become fixated on the occasional positive interaction, hoping to experience more of them despite the relationship’s overall destructive nature.<\/p>\n A trauma-bonded victim is not the same as one who is codependent, although both can exist in the same relationship.<\/p>\n A co-dependent person believes that the abusive person relies on them for care and support, prioritizing the abuser\u2019s needs over their own. Codependency enables the abuser\u2019s unhealthy power and control to continue.<\/strong> Whereas a trauma-bonded victim is addicted to the relationship and sees the abuser\u2019s loving actions, regardless of the harm the abusive person causes.<\/p>\n Trauma bonds do not take place in every abusive situation. Though, once they are formed, they are very hard to break.<\/p>\n In a trauma-bonded relationship, it\u2019s impossible to understand why you keep going back to the abusive person. And it\u2019s impossible to imagine living without them.<\/p>\n The confusion for the person experiencing trauma bonding combined with the incredible pull to the relationship makes the one being harmed feel as if the bond is true love \u2013 but it\u2019s not.<\/p>\n Trauma-bonded individuals often experience cognitive dissonance, where there is a significant disconnect between the actual harmful behavior in the relationship and their ability to recognize and understand it.<\/p>\n There is an intrinsic human need for secure attachment and a sense of emotional intimacy and safety with people we perceive to be partners, caregivers, protectors, supporters, or defenders.<\/p>\n Our first attachments are formed with our primary caregivers. Healthy attachments during childhood foster secure relationships and connections characterized by open, safe, and supportive love that encourages personal growth and independence.<\/p>\n When early childhood attachment is disrupted or inconsistent, we become attracted to similar, unhealthy attachments as adults.<\/p>\n We develop a strong need to stay with anyone<\/em>, even an abuser, who presents themselves as a caretaker, comforter, or protector.<\/p>\n The trauma bond cycle creates a repetitive interruption of any positive attachment, leaving the victim craving and desperate to return to those positive feelings, notwithstanding the destructive patterns of maltreatment.<\/p>\n A trauma-bonded victim often confuses the craving for positive feelings of love with genuine love, emotional support, and safety.<\/p>\n This confusion allows the trauma bond to strengthen within the abusive cycle.<\/strong><\/p>\n Their fixation on the positive moments blinds them to or makes them willing to tolerate the abuse, often minimizing its significance.<\/p>\n They may interpret the abuser\u2019s false promises or intermittent affection as real love, making it nearly impossible to differentiate true love from an abusive situation.<\/p>\n That said, a <\/strong>trauma bond is not love.<\/strong><\/p>\n The frequent disruption of positive interactions prevents the development of healthy, mutual love.<\/p>\n A trauma bond is not only an emotional attachment; it\u2019s akin to an addiction.<\/em><\/p>\n When someone experiences trauma from a romantic partner, their brain releases chemicals such as dopamine and oxytocin, which contribute to the formation of trauma bonds and tax mental health.<\/p>\n Oxytocin, in particular, is highly responsive to social interactions and can cause emotional dysregulation, anxiety, and addiction when present at high levels.<\/p>\n This chemical response explains why victims become physically addicted to the abusive relationship.<\/strong><\/p>\n They crave the “high” from oxytocin release during the positive phases of the cycle.<\/p>\n Similar to drug addiction, victims may excuse, hide, or lie about the abuse to avoid confrontation and discourage others from urging them to leave the relationship.<\/p>\n Now that you understand what trauma bonding is and why it\u2019s so powerful let\u2019s take a look at the seven stages of a trauma bond.<\/p>\n When unhealthy emotional attachments are developed during youth, they repeat themselves in other relationships over time<\/strong>, creating revictimization and regular relationship dysfunction.<\/p>\n In the seven stages, the abuser intermittently reinforces the positive and the negative, keeping the victim perpetually off guard. The victim loses perspective to see the toxicity in the relationship, instead remaining in a state of intense confusion.<\/p>\n The seven stages of trauma bonding are:<\/strong><\/p>\n Let\u2019s have a deeper look at each stage:<\/p>\n Love bombing is the most essential<\/em> step that enables the abuser to entice their partner into a trauma bond.<\/p>\n In love bombing, the abuser lavishes the other person with attention, affection, or flattery, often filling an internal void in the victim<\/strong> who has been longing for true love and positive reinforcement.<\/p>\n Usually, the relationship progresses quickly during this phase when the abuser identifies you as their soulmate or professes their desire to be with you forever.<\/p>\n The victim is enamored, believing they have found true love. Love bombing fills a void the victim has been desperate to fill \u2013 possibly their entire life \u2013 due to early attachment disruption.<\/p>\n The positive reinforcement feels really good.<\/p>\n The victim will spend the rest of the relationship desperately longing to re-experience the feelings and chemical release from this phase.<\/strong><\/p>\n In reality, the abuser is setting themselves apart from all others in the victim\u2019s eyes, making them believe they are the only ones who will love them, protect them, and nurture them, compelling the victim to let their guard down and fall prey to the abuser\u2019s manipulations.<\/p>\n The victim begins to trust the abuser\u2019s intentions and feel safe. They have a need to believe the love is true.<\/p>\n In the initial stages of a relationship, the abuser\u2019s true nature may not yet be apparent, making it difficult for the victim to identify immediate dangers and red flags.<\/p>\n Be cautious if the adoration seems unusually swift and intense.<\/strong><\/p>\n If your partner\u2019s affection is \u201cover the top,\u201d such as surprising you with an extravagant trip early on instead of more modest gestures appropriate to your stage in the relationship, take note.<\/p>\n You are wise to slow things down. A healthy, lasting relationship is not built in a month; it requires time to develop.<\/p>\n After showering you with flattery, gifts, and attention, the abuser works to deepen your trust and increase your dependence on them.<\/p>\n They may propose moving in together, setting a wedding date, or making grand promises, echoing the dreamy ideas from the love bombing phase.<\/p>\n These promises are designed to be compelling, flattering, and endearing, creating a sense of security and commitment.<\/p>\n In a friendship, trauma bonding manifests through declarations of “friends forever” and “best friends,” making you feel completely loved and accepted until later stages reveal the underlying issues.<\/p>\n Alternatively, the abuser might provoke you into questioning their behavior, and then they may make you feel guilty for questioning them after all they did during the love bombing phase<\/strong>.<\/strong><\/p>\n This guilt and regret can make you more accommodating, as the fear of losing the attachment drives you to second-guess yourself and overcompensate in the relationship.<\/p>\n Before you know it:<\/p>\n When you find yourself craving their love, validation, and acceptance, it signals the development of a trauma bond\u2014or an addiction to the relationship.<\/p>\n At this point, the abuser demands unwavering trust and uses the love bombing phase as a constant reminder to reinforce their control.<\/strong> This process cements the trauma bond, making you increasingly dependent on the relationship.<\/p>\n Once the honeymoon phase fades, no matter what you do, it feels insufficient.<\/p>\n The abuser responds to your expressions of sadness, disappointment, or concern by shifting blame onto you.<\/strong><\/p>\n They may start to demean your qualities, criticize your values, or make you feel like you are the problem.<\/p>\n The sudden change in treatment starkly contrasts the love bombing and trust-building phases, leading you to believe that you must have done something wrong to provoke such a shift. This self-blame causes you to repeatedly apologize for things that aren\u2019t your fault, hoping to avoid further abuse and restore the relationship.<\/p>\n At first, it seems to work. The abuser may reluctantly forgive you and convince you that their actions are meant to help rather than harm.<\/p>\n This brief positive shift leads you to believe you can trust and depend on them, falsely hoping the abuse will stop. However, the cycle of abuse will likely continue.<\/p>\n The deception from earlier phases makes it hard to see that the abuser is the problem. After all, they love you, don\u2019t they?<\/p>\n Gaslighting<\/a> is one of the most common forms of psychological abuse.<\/p>\n Gaslighting is a covert tactic aimed at making the victim question their own reality, perception, or sanity.<\/strong><\/p>\n Gaslighting can include false accusations and inventing false narratives that are the victim\u2019s fault, lying and saying anything to make the victim feel they are going crazy, blame-shifting, etc.<\/p>\n Over time, the gaslit victim believes they are the ones who need help, not the abuser.<\/p>\n Likely, the victim is accustomed to gaslighting from their early years, making them automatically internalize it.<\/p>\n In this way, gaslighting moves well beyond criticism and into the world of fiction.<\/p>\n As soon as the victim demonstrates worry or concern for their own well-being, their partner plays nurturer, possibly recommending counseling or expressing concern that the victim is not emotionally well.<\/p>\n This satisfies the victim\u2019s need to believe the abuser truly cares, and they mistake the abusive tactics for love.<\/p>\n Left completely depleted by the gaslighting phase, the victim begins to shut down, possibly dissociating.<\/p>\n With nowhere to turn and no idea how to address the conflict, they submit to their partner\u2019s control to avoid future conflict.<\/strong> The victim becomes an expert at people-pleasing to try to manage the relationship.<\/p>\n The level of confusion for the victim is at an all-time high.<\/p>\n They might have a sixth sense they are being manipulated, but the extraordinary confusion<\/a> they feel dims their cognitive senses and deters them from taking concrete steps to end the relationship.<\/p>\n The balance is tipped in favor of self-blame and self-doubt: \u201cIf only I could do better\u201d or \u201cMaybe if I try harder.\u201d<\/p>\n The victim works much harder in the relationship, making tremendous efforts to improve communication and maintain the relationship at all costs.<\/p>\n This is the abuser\u2019s ultimate goal: to drive the victim to the point of losing their and sense of self and self-worth.<\/strong><\/p>\n Over time, with the continual barrage of emotional abuse tactics, the victim surrenders their own boundaries to the abuser, which erodes their sense of self and makes it nearly impossible to form transparent and meaningful connections with others. This ultimately leads to increased isolation.<\/p>\n They may experience a loss of confidence and experience shame, and feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and depression. At this point, the relationship becomes the only attachment they feel they have, making it hard to envision leaving.<\/p>\n Even after many months, years, or decades, the victim may eventually recognize the abuse, but the trauma bond is so deeply established that leaving is almost unthinkable.<\/strong><\/p>\n Trauma bonds are powerful because they are rooted in the victim\u2019s desperate need for a safe and secure attachment.<\/p>\n At stage 7, the target becomes addicted to the relationship cycle.<\/p>\n The focus on resuming attachment, love bombing, trust, and dependency becomes so intense that the victim doesn\u2019t see the relationship as destructive.<\/p>\n The abuser uses withholding<\/a> to deprive their partner of the feeling of attachment and relationship, which increases their desperation for earlier phases.<\/p>\n The victim will try anything to win back their partner\u2019s affection. They will accept crumbs of affection, starting the cycle all over again.<\/p>\n The possibility of returning to a positive phase makes the victim believe their abuser truly loves them. It reinforces their self-blame as they hope for a better future.<\/p>\n Their hopes are repeatedly dashed, leaving the victim longing even more for a sense of secure attachment.<\/p>\n As noted earlier, all of this is compounded by the neurotransmitters released by the victim\u2019s brain, which create a physical addiction to the relationship.<\/strong><\/p>\n The trauma bond becomes cemented, and it\u2019s incredibly difficult to break or disrupt the bond.<\/p>\n But there is hope!<\/p>\n Before we discuss strategies for breaking free from a trauma bond, let\u2019s dig a little deeper and learn more about the profound effects a trauma bond has on victims, including the link to post-traumatic stress disorder.<\/p>\n Trauma-bonding relationships can have profound adverse effects, including the development of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or, in prolonged cases, complex PTSD, a more challenging form of PTSD to address.<\/p>\n PTSD symptoms can heighten a victim\u2019s desperation to maintain the relationship.<\/strong><\/p>\n Here\u2019s why.<\/p>\n In adult relationships marked by trauma bonding, individuals often have a history of disrupted attachment through cycles of intermittent positive and negative interactions in early relationships, coupled with unresolved PTSD.<\/p>\n When these individuals are trauma-bonded to an abusive partner, their fear of leaving can escalate, especially if they already suffer from PTSD stemming from childhood.<\/em><\/p>\n Existing PTSD amplifies the need for the abuser or partner to soothe their emotional wounds, making the decision to leave even more confusing and overwhelming. This can lead to:<\/p>\n And other physical symptoms.<\/p>\n The presence of PTSD from earlier experiences makes it even harder to break free from the bond.<\/p>\n PTSD also fosters distrust of others and suspicion towards anyone who questions the relationship or the abuser\u2019s love.<\/strong><\/p>\n Any suggestion to leave the abusive situation can trigger additional trauma, as the victim may believe they desperately need the relationship.<\/p>\n Consequently, the victim may isolate themselves from those who do not fully support the relationship, often protecting the abuser\u2019s reputation and the relationship itself at all costs.<\/p>\n For those who believe they are currently in a trauma bond or who feel they are susceptible to forming one, it is helpful to identify the warning signs.<\/p>\n What are the signs<\/em> of trauma bonding?<\/p>\n Trauma bonding signs include:<\/strong><\/p>\n When trying to identify a trauma bond, it\u2019s helpful to analyze your relationship and compare it to the signs and symptoms listed above.<\/p>\n The following examples of trauma-bonded relationships, whether friendship or romance, can also be helpful.<\/p>\n There are many examples of trauma bonding in different kinds of relationships.<\/p>\n Let\u2019s consider what a friendship trauma bond can look like:<\/p>\n Maile and Sarah met in the dorms and became immediate, inseparable friends. Maile wanted to do everything with Sarah. They laughed, did fun activities, and shared their deepest secrets.<\/p>\n Within days, Maile knew everything about Sarah, more than anyone ever had or seemed interested in learning.<\/p>\n Sarah felt so good inside because of her new best friend, Maile. They talked about becoming housemates and traveling through Europe together, best friends forever.<\/p>\n But suddenly, Maile didn\u2019t call Sarah back when they were supposed to grab coffee together. She ghosted her for a few days. When Sarah confronted her, Maile became angry. How could Sarah question her after what a good friend Maile had been to her?<\/em> Sarah felt bad and apologized, believing she was being stupid for questioning Maile.<\/p>\n Soon, Maile begins criticizing Sarah. She\u2019s too tall, has big legs, and tells her how weird other people think she is. Maile makes Sarah believe others don\u2019t like Sarah. Maile laughs at Sarah because she says Sarah isn\u2019t very smart.<\/p>\n Suddenly, Maile stonewalls Sarah for a few weeks. Sarah can\u2019t fathom what she did wrong and becomes obsessed about becoming close again. It hurts.<\/strong> Her whole focus is on returning the relationship to where it started.<\/p>\n She has no friends and doesn\u2019t feel safe with anyone. When others tell her Maile is not a good friend, Sarah shuts them out because she can\u2019t believe Maile doesn\u2019t love her. She feels sick inside without her best friend and will do anything to get her back.<\/p>\n Sarah has become trauma-bonded to Maile.<\/p>\n Nora met Philip when she was studying in a Paris cafe. He pursued her immediately by buying her coffee and asking her to sit with him. Within the first hour, he told her how beautiful she was and that if they hung out much longer, he would fall head over heels in love with her. She thought it was odd, but it felt good.<\/p>\n He kept pursuing her and they quickly began a heavy romance. He picked flowers for her whenever he saw them, held her hand anytime they were together, complimented her often, and sent her texts and called her several times throughout the day.<\/p>\n This went on for weeks, with him asking if she\u2019d ever consider marrying him. He promised her a future together.<\/p>\n One day, when she ran into him on the street, he was talking to another woman, and she questioned him. He seemed upset that she would think he\u2019d do anything to hurt her after all he had done for her. He had tears in his eyes, making her feel bad about questioning him. What was she thinking?<\/em><\/p>\n They were soon engaged, and that\u2019s when the mask fell off.<\/p>\n He told her to be careful what she ate because he wouldn\u2019t want to be with her if she was fat. He criticized her job, her makeup, and her hair. It wouldn\u2019t stop, and she couldn\u2019t figure it out. Suddenly, he seemed uninterested in her.<\/p>\n Since he asked her to marry him, she knew he loved her. So, her only explanation for the sudden shift is that she had done something wrong.<\/p>\n Over time, he barely pays attention to her, and she feels she is going crazy and craving the old love back. To appease her and bond her to him, he takes her on a romantic weekend, reconnecting her to positive feelings so she\u2019ll \u201cforget\u201d the poor treatment.<\/p>\n It\u2019s more important to her to have these moments than to focus on the red flags and emotional pain the relationship was causing her.<\/p>\n Nora has become trauma-bonded to Philip.<\/p>\n Do these examples feel familiar to you?<\/p>\n If you are currently in a trauma-bonded relationship or feel your relationship is heading in that direction, we want to remind you that there is always hope.<\/p>\n Even if you are currently experiencing a trauma-bonded relationship, you can break free!<\/p>\n The following are several practical strategies for disrupting the bond and reclaiming your freedom.<\/p>\n Let\u2019s take a look:<\/p>\n We know how hard it is to break trauma bonds. It is exceedingly difficult. But it\u2019s not impossible.<\/p>\n Below are some practical strategies.<\/p>\n The foremost way to break free from a trauma bond or any abusive relationship is to educate yourself. We cannot state it enough: the more you learn and understand, the more clarity you will have.<\/p>\n Start by:<\/p>\n Click here to enroll in our survivor course<\/a>, which offers clarity and support.<\/p>\n The more you learn, the more aware you will become about the reality of your attachment to your relationship and partner.<\/p>\n Take a pause from working on yourself. The victim with a trauma bond to an abusive relationship often misses what is really going on in the relationship. Pause to notice and evaluate the reality of your circumstances.<\/p>\n Consider how your partner treats you. Recognize that the negative, destructive, hurtful behavior that happens is abuse. As you compare these behaviors to the signs and stages of a trauma bond listed above, you will be able to see the specific destructive behaviors they use, which are causing harm, confusion, and eroding self-love.<\/p>\n Once you clarify the types of toxic behaviors you face in your relationship, go deeper in your knowledge about how your abuser will use manipulative patterns in complex ways that are possibly unique to your relationship.<\/p>\n Take the time to see and unpack these things. Begin writing in a journal to document how each conflict plays out. Writing it out can help you stop gaslighting yourself and see confusing things more accurately.<\/p>\n When you focus on what is actually happening in the present, pay attention to how it makes you feel<\/em>: your emotions, your body, and your thoughts. Note these in your journal as well.<\/p>\n\n
What is Trauma Bonding?<\/h2>\n
A Trauma Bond is a Negative Bond<\/h3>\n
It\u2019s Destructive<\/h3>\n
It\u2019s Not Co-Dependency<\/h3>\n
What Makes Trauma Bonding So Powerful?<\/h2>\n
The Illusion of Love<\/h3>\n
More Than Just Emotional Attachment<\/h3>\n
The Seven Stages of Trauma Bonding<\/h2>\n
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Stage 1: Love Bombing<\/h3>\n
Manipulation Masquerading as True Love<\/h4>\n
Recognizing Early Warning Signs in a Relationship<\/h4>\n
Stage 2: Developing Trust and Dependence<\/h3>\n
Promises They Won\u2019t Fulfill<\/h4>\n
Provoking Doubt<\/h4>\n
The Trauma Bond Forms<\/h4>\n
Stage 3: Criticism<\/h3>\n
Stage 4: Gaslighting<\/h3>\n
Stage 5: Resigning to Control<\/h3>\n
Stage 6: Loss of Self<\/h3>\n
Stage 7: Addiction to the Cycle<\/h3>\n
The Link Between Trauma Bonds and PTSD<\/h2>\n
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The Warning Signs of a Trauma Bond<\/h2>\n
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Examples of Trauma Bonds in Relationships<\/h2>\n
Examples of a Trauma Bond in a Friendship<\/h3>\n
Examples of Trauma Bonding in Romantic Relationships<\/h3>\n
How to Break Free from a Trauma Bond: Strategies for Reclaiming Your Life<\/h2>\n
Educate Yourself<\/h3>\n
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Evaluate Your Relationship<\/h3>\n
Seek Clarity<\/h3>\n
Go Deeper<\/h3>\n
Pay Attention to Yourself<\/h3>\n
Identify and Stop Magical Thinking<\/h3>\n