Let\u2019s begin with a few preliminary points before we get into how to interview and choose a therapist. <\/p>\n
It can be hard to know how to determine the way your therapist will respond if you are experiencing ongoing abuse and are still in that relationship. If you find yourself currently in an abusive relationship, or if you are in a post-separation period and want to heal, most recommendations shared here will help you find the type of therapist best qualified to serve you. <\/p>\n
Have you ever wondered, \u201cCan couples therapy make things worse?<\/a>\u201d <\/p>\n If you have, the reality is it can. <\/p>\n Why? <\/p>\n It\u2019s often challenging for people in destructive, confusing, or abusive relationships to find a qualified expert who thoroughly understands and can identify the underlying root cause of their relationship problems and the proper protocols to intervene. Untrained therapists who do not have the expertise to utilize best practices that are unique to complicated or abusive relationships are more likely to cause further stress, confusion, and harm. Suppose you are separated or divorced from an abusive partner. In that case, you want and deserve to have a therapist who thoroughly understands the dynamics and patterns of behaviors you experienced and may continue to experience post-separation, causing more trauma.<\/p>\n In this article, we will unpack how to interview an individual and relationship therapist and recognize the red flags telling you therapy isn\u2019t working. We will have a deeper look at:<\/p>\n Okay, let\u2019s dive in.<\/p>\n Have you ever felt your therapist was missing the mark or not providing you with the support you needed? <\/p>\n Not all therapists are the right fit. Listen to your gut. <\/p>\n Their experience and specific continuing education courses determine their qualifications and specialties, and their personal story and unconscious biases may not be what is best for you. <\/p>\n An essential requirement for your counselor to meet is experience, education, and training in dealing with narcissistic and domestic abuse and trauma.<\/p>\n Some people engage in covert or overt abusive behaviors<\/a> learned from their family of origin. It doesn\u2019t always mean the relationship is technically \u201cabusive.\u201d But this does not mean those behaviors are less damaging or don\u2019t need to be identified, addressed, and resolved.<\/p>\n In other words, we can all act poorly at times. When a therapist points out the harm our behavior is causing another, healthy individuals immediately implement meaningful change. An abuser who is entrenched in faulty beliefs and thoughts will not. They may stop one specific behavior, but they will replace it with another abusive behavior. Therefore, finding a savvy therapist who can identify confusing, manipulative behaviors and quickly determine whether or not your abusive partner has entrenched characterological faults or simply a few bad habits that can be quickly resolved is essential. <\/p>\n The therapist also needs to understand the importance of providing unwavering support for the person on the receiving end of the harm due to the trauma abusive behaviors cause. Being willing to name, confront, and understand the depth of the problems will enable the therapist to intervene on your behalf unwaveringly.<\/p>\n Another reason it\u2019s essential to have a therapist who can identify whether abuse is at the root of your relationship problems is that most abuse experts consider couples therapy to be strictly contraindicated for couples where any form of abuse is present. <\/strong><\/em>There are numerous reasons for this that we will get into.<\/p>\n A relationship assessment is helpful. This requires an individual session with each person first. Then, if it\u2019s beneficial to have a session with both of you to view the dynamics firsthand, that can follow the individual sessions.<\/p>\n Why is that so? <\/p>\n There are forms of hidden emotional abuse that are extremely difficult to understand and almost impossible to detect without the proper education and training. <\/p>\n Many victims in covert emotionally abusive relationships do not realize they are experiencing a form of abuse, and it can take a very long time for them to gain sufficient clarity on their own to understand they are being victimized.<\/p>\n The hidden or covert forms of emotional abuse<\/a> are just as damaging as other forms of abuse and among the most destructive to children.<\/p>\n Even one emotionally abusive behavior repeatedly employed is enough to be destructive to a relationship. <\/p>\n Consider repeated lying<\/a>, regularly blowing things out of proportion, or continually denying. These are just a few examples of what would seriously undermine emotional safety in the relationship and turn the therapeutic session upside down. <\/p>\n If you are experiencing covert emotional abuse, it\u2019s essential to get the help of a therapist who is trauma-informed and experienced with abuse. <\/p>\n They will help you get clarity, which is the first step to healing. <\/p>\n Abusive behaviors must be labeled using proper language for the victim to gain the essential clarity needed to heal. It\u2019s also essential to name and understand these behaviors so you won\u2019t be blindsided and drawn into another endless circular conflict when they are employed against you the next time. <\/p>\n The couples therapy session can quickly become a \u201cHe said, she said\u201d situation. Suppose the therapist cannot see the deceptive or covert behaviors as they are playing out during sessions. In that case, the partner on the receiving end of the harm can feel mischaracterized by their partner and abandoned by the therapist. In contrast, the one causing harm becomes emboldened to carry on destructively during therapeutic sessions where the therapist is manipulated. This dynamic, where you feel abandoned by the therapist while the abuser ramps up their harmful behavior, can be very traumatizing. A good abuse therapist can detect abusive attitudes and behaviors from a mile away. They are not likely to be wrongly influenced or miss manipulative tactics. On the other hand, an untrained therapist can be fooled for months or even years, and the secondary harm caused by misguided therapy cannot be overstated.<\/p>\n Narcissists may blameshift, lie, use false accusations, or gaslight you and the therapist. They have many internal reasons for rewriting history in ways that frame the innocent partner as being the destructive one. Suppose the counselor does not recognize these assertions as false. In that case, you will likely sit in the hot seat, forced to defend yourself rather than experience the therapeutic validation you need and deserve. Being falsely accused would create anxiety in just about anyone. If you have been experiencing recurring trauma in your relationship, anxiety in therapy will produce more trauma. Sessions with an untrained therapist will feel chaotic and harmful.<\/p>\n Another reason why caution around couples therapy is recommended is after you communicate your feelings vulnerably within therapy, it\u2019s not uncommon for abusive partners or narcissists<\/a> to exploit that by shaming or exposing you later – in private or public. It\u2019s key to find a therapist who understands these dynamics and who won\u2019t put you in a position where you\u2019re not being protected emotionally or physically.<\/p>\n The untrained therapist can make things worse for the one experiencing harm by minimizing the problem or problems or asking you harmful questions that place responsibility for the problem at your feet. For example, they may ask, \u201cWhy did you get so angry?\u201d Or, they may say, \u201cAs long as you are reactive, you\u2019re both harming each other and are equally responsible.\u201d The therapist does not recognize the signs of trauma that have been brought on by recurring maltreatment.<\/p>\n These forms of misdirected therapy can be highly problematic and traumatizing for you.<\/p>\n Most couples therapists treat problems in the relationship as a mutual 50\/50 issue. The National Domestic Violence Hotline states, \u201cThere is no such thing as mutual abuse.\u201d<\/p>\n Countless couples have spent years in therapy with multiple therapists to no avail because the therapists failed to identify the underlying issue: covert emotional abuse.<\/p>\n Shop Around to Find the Right Therapist.<\/p>\n Dr. Diane Langberg, Christian psychologist expert in trauma and abuse, says we should thoroughly vet a counselor, the same way we would vet a new babysitter before leaving our children with them. It is a very serious decision that can potentially do tremendous harm if the counselor is not equipped. <\/p>\n You are responsible for shopping for a therapist before deciding on the one that best suits you. It\u2019s essential to recognize that not all therapists are equipped to handle the particulars of your personal or relationship issues. <\/p>\n You wouldn\u2019t go to a family doctor to treat you for cancer, would you?? <\/p>\n Of course not. The same is valid for counseling services, where your trauma symptoms or the cancer within the partnership is related to emotional or physical abuse.<\/p>\n Many therapists offer free phone consultations. You won\u2019t hurt a professional\u2019s feelings if you tell them in advance you are shopping for a therapist and ask for a consultation before deciding to use them. Take advantage of this opportunity.<\/p>\n So, where do you begin? <\/p>\n If your health insurance covers therapy, you may want to start your research with those in your health insurance network. It\u2019s helpful to explore a counselor\u2019s website and google their names to see what others say about them. Explore the list of specialties they boast and their training if they list it. Make sure they are trauma-informed so they can adequately address past trauma and current relationship trauma as essential parts of their comprehensive therapy. <\/p>\n If you can\u2019t find a qualified therapist locally, consider online counseling services with someone outside your area. <\/p>\n Online individual therapy may be a good option as you seek a qualified professional. The pool of therapists you can choose from online is broader. If you live in an area with limited resources, this can be a great option for you.<\/p>\n Below is a list of questions you will want to ask and some reasons why. These questions will help you determine whether or not you should be in couples counseling and how to find the therapist who will be the best fit. Present yourself with confidence and kindness\u2014your disposition matters. <\/p>\n If a Counselor is defensive or uncomfortable with your questions, they are not the one for you. It\u2019s best to look for a therapist who appreciates your seriousness about getting the right help.<\/span><\/p>\n What is the therapeutic environment regarding fair and agreed-upon fees, reliability of scheduled appointments, length of appointments, timeliness, completely safe and confidential environment, and out-of-session availability? <\/strong><\/p>\n You want a therapist who will take an emergency phone call for a few minutes outside a scheduled session and who won\u2019t charge you. You also want to find a therapist who will give you a full hour or close to a full hour instead of only 45 minutes.<\/em><\/p>\n Ask the therapist about trauma education. Are they qualified to diagnose PTSD and complex PTSD? <\/strong><\/p>\n <\/strong>If they answer yes to your question, ask them what training they have had. Use your discernment to know if they are equipped to provide you with emotional safety rather than trigger you. It\u2019s also critical to determine if they serve all trauma populations or choose to work within a specific category of clientele. Some trauma-informed counselors work with veterans. Others work solely with single-event trauma. You need someone who is trained to diagnose trauma and who works with recurring relationship trauma. You also need to listen for red flags. For example, if you have been married for ten or twenty years and they ask you why you stayed so long, run, don\u2019t walk to the next therapist. They are demonstrating they don\u2019t understand trauma bonds, how complicated it is to unravel hidden forms of emotional abuse, or how trauma compromises cognitive thinking.<\/em><\/p>\n What is your education and training in abusive behaviors? <\/strong><\/p>\n Don\u2019t settle for an answer that says it was part of their educational requirement because a counseling degree only requires 6 hours of abuse training or credits. To decide if they can help you, they need to have numerous hours of abuse training, which the American Psychological Association provides as continuing education. Each licensed professional must complete a minimum number of continuing education hours annually. If you like this therapist, asking them to complete courses on this subject is not unreasonable. You can direct them to The MEND Project\u2019s website, where we offer a comprehensive course for licensed professionals sanctioned by the American Psychological Association in partnership with the Institute on Violence Abuse and Trauma.<\/em><\/p>\n What specific training did you have that qualifies you to work with my ethnic population? <\/strong><\/p>\n If you are part of a specific ethnic culture that accepts hierarchical behaviors against a particular gender, you need someone who is culturally educated. They should be able to tell you about their continuing education courses, how long ago they took them, and whether or not they continue to take classes on this topic.<\/em><\/p>\n How would you define abusive behavior in a relationship?<\/strong><\/p>\n If they answer by naming only physical abuse or overt emotional abuse, then you can see their lack of understanding regarding covert emotional abuse. A skilled therapist will understand the terms gaslighting, blame-shifting, minimization, and so forth, and the therapist will consider these types of behaviors to be traumatizing and abusive. If the therapist says, \u201cUsing the word abuse is a bit harsh, so I avoid it,\u201d you\u2019ll know you\u2019re not in the right place.<\/em><\/p>\n How many couples have you counseled that were in abusive marriages or relationships?<\/strong><\/p>\n One or two couples will not be a robust sampling. Suppose the therapist tells you they have been working with couples successfully for many years. In that case, this does not necessarily mean they are qualified. You might respond by asking them, \u201cHow did you handle couples where narcissistic abuse was involved?\u201d <\/strong>Their answer will be very telling. If they say they worked equally with each partner, you know they are not following best practices. They are not the right person for you if they tell you they disagree with labels.<\/em><\/p>\n Do you feel all marital problems are the responsibility of both parties? In other words, are marriage problems mutual responsibility problems? <\/strong><\/p>\n <\/strong>When it comes to abuse, the one causing harm is 100% responsible. Abuse is a choice. It\u2019s not an accident, and it\u2019s never the victim\u2019s fault. That said, many untrained therapists aim to align with both partners. They won\u2019t confront the abuser, and they won\u2019t fully align with the victim, even if it is your individual therapist, which is the opposite of best practices and the opposite of what you need and deserve. A therapist treating marriage problems as mutual may ask, \u201cWhy did you antagonize or make him so angry?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Do you see covert abuse – emotional, verbal, psychological – as damaging as overt emotional abuse or physical violence?<\/strong><\/p>\n The Centers for Disease and Control lists these as equaling damaging behaviors. Covert emotional abuse causes severe trauma and can result in prolonged states of high stress and confusion, what are known as trauma states, for months, years, or even decades.<\/em><\/p>\n If you were counseling a couple and it became clear that the husband was being emotionally abusive to his wife, what steps would you take, and what advice would you give?<\/strong><\/p>\n The response you are looking for is to stop couples counseling immediately, serve you individually, and help the husband find a qualified therapist until he gets dedicated help for his abuse. And if you desire reconciliation, you see longstanding evidence of change.<\/em><\/p>\n Ask them if they have confronted abuse. Did they label the behaviors abusive, or did they avoid being straightforward? If one spouse demonstrated entrenched narcissistic beliefs, did they name it so it could be validated and understood by both parties?<\/strong><\/p>\n If the therapist says something like, \u201cNaming abuse would cause the husband to leave therapy\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m not hired to confront,\u201d you will know you are not with the right person. <\/em><\/p>\n How would you help establish emotional and physical safety for the victim? What referral sources would you offer regarding legal, medical, advocacy, or emotional abuse resources? <\/strong><\/p>\n If the therapist readily states who they refer clients to, you can determine their experience level and advocacy involvement. Good therapists will periodically vet resources and be willing to advocate for you in difficult situations if you would like them to.<\/em><\/p>\n\n
Why a Counselor with Experience in Narcissism or Domestic Abuse and Trauma is Important<\/h2>\n
Hidden Forms of Emotional Abuse Create Confusion and Chaos<\/h2>\n
A Word of Caution About Couples Therapy<\/h2>\n
How to Shop for a Therapist<\/h2>\n
Questions to Ask Before Choosing a Therapist<\/h2>\n