{"id":4190,"date":"2023-01-18T17:22:41","date_gmt":"2023-01-19T01:22:41","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/themendproject.com\/?p=4190"},"modified":"2025-06-27T06:51:44","modified_gmt":"2025-06-27T13:51:44","slug":"overt-vs-covert-behavior-examples","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/staging.themendproject.com\/es\/overt-vs-covert-behavior-examples\/","title":{"rendered":"Overt vs. Covert Behavior \u2014 Relationship Examples"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>It is difficult to understand <em>overt versus covert behaviors<\/em> and how each plays out within relationships. Yet understanding is the key to overcoming.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Covert behaviors are <em>incredibly confusing<\/em> and especially difficult to discern. The person inside the relationship who is experiencing covert behaviors often has no idea what is happening or how to respond effectively.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Covert behaviors also fool those outside the relationship looking in. The confusion often causes those in the couple\u2019s close community to react in ways that unintentionally uphold the abuse and abandon the victim.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>In this article, we will unpack the confusion by defining covert and overt behaviors, providing examples of what they look like in relationships, and discussing how they impact those within the relationship and deceive those on the outside.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Let\u2019s dive in.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h2 style=\"color: rgb(155, 124, 59) !important; --tcb-applied-color: rgb(155, 124, 59) !important;\">DEFINING OVERT AND COVERT BEHAVIOR<\/h2>\n<p>In simplest terms, overt means \u201capparent\u201d or \u201cvisible.\u201d Covert means \u201chidden\u201d or \u201cconcealed.\u201d<\/p>\n<h3 style=\"\">Covert Abuse<\/h3>\n<p>Covert abuse refers to&nbsp;<em>subtle, confusing, and hidden tactics<\/em>&nbsp;that could be masked as concern, hurt, or misunderstanding rather than readily seen as abusive.<\/p>\n<p><em>Covert abusive behaviors are complicated for anyone to detect.<\/em><\/p>\n<h3>Overt Abuse<\/h3>\n<p>On the other hand,<em>&nbsp;overt behavior is obvious and hard to miss.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>In an intimate relationship, recognizing covert behaviors is incredibly difficult for the person who is being harmed because they are living in a&nbsp;<strong>separate reality<\/strong> from their partner\u2019s reality. They want to believe their partner intends to be loving, not controlling or manipulative. This makes it nearly impossible for them to identify the destructive covert behaviors.<\/p>\n<p><span><img decoding=\"async\" alt=\"covert-abusive-behavior\" data-id=\"6151\" width=\"347\" data-init-width=\"450\" height=\"560\" data-init-height=\"726\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/staging.themendproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/10\/covert-abusive-behavior.jpg\" data-width=\"347\" data-height=\"560\" style=\"aspect-ratio: auto 450 \/ 726;\"><\/span><\/p>\n<h2 style=\"color: rgb(155, 124, 59) !important; --tcb-applied-color: rgb(155, 124, 59) !important;\">OVERT AND COVERT BEHAVIORS CAN BE DAMAGING TO A RELATIONSHIP<\/h2>\n<p>To illustrate the impact of overt and covert behaviors, let\u2019s look at a common scenario between parent and child. For several nights in a row, the child wakes up scared and crying because they had a nightmare. The parent then tells them, \u201cIt was just a dream,\u201d and not to worry while the child remains terrified to go back to bed. Rather than provide comfort in their stress, the parent dismisses the experience altogether through their response.<\/p>\n<p>The parent likely allowed their exhaustion to justify dismissing the child\u2019s feelings rather than nurturing them. And while the parent wasn\u2019t being abusive, the parent missed the opportunity to see, hear, and teach the child. The parent intended to help the child with their fear, not to harm them. Yet, <em>overt behaviors, even when not abusive, can still cause harm<\/em>. In this instance, through minimizing and dismissing the child in their need for comfort.<\/p>\n<p>So, when do overt and covert behaviors become abusive?<\/p>\n<h2 style=\"color: rgb(155, 124, 59) !important; --tcb-applied-color: rgb(155, 124, 59) !important;\">EXAMPLES OF OVERT AND COVERT ABUSE BEHAVIORS<\/h2>\n<p>Let\u2019s consider when someone says or does something they apologize for later. An apology usually means that the person saying \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d is actually sorry for their behavior.<\/p>\n<p>The covert thought behind an overt apology is remorse.<\/p>\n<p><span><img decoding=\"async\" alt=\"overt-and-covert-behavior\" data-id=\"6156\" width=\"347\" data-init-width=\"500\" height=\"575\" data-init-height=\"828\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/staging.themendproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/10\/overt-and-covert-behavior.jpg\" data-width=\"347\" data-height=\"575\" style=\"aspect-ratio: auto 500 \/ 828;\"><\/span><\/p>\n<p>A partial apology, however, is a covert emotional abuse behavior tactic narcissists commonly use to manipulate a person\u2019s actions or reactions. The covert thought behind the \u201capology\u201d has nothing to do with remorse. Instead, the apology is being used to avoid true accountability and to deceive the victim into \u201cletting it go,\u201d taking the attention off of the abuser and their harmful behavior.<\/p>\n<p>If you don\u2019t recognize the covert emotionally abusive behavior, you are likely to be deceived by the overt act of the apology. The deception enables the person causing harm to manipulate their partner over again.<\/p>\n<p>The best way to understand how overt and covert behaviors are used within abusive relationships is by learning about some common tactics covert abusers use. The following covert behavior examples are common in emotionally abusive relationships:<\/p>\n<h3 style=\"\">WEAPONIZED JOKING<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/staging.themendproject.com\/es\/toxic-joking\/\" style=\"outline: none;\">Weaponized Joking<\/a> is a harmful behavior where the abusive partner says mean things at the other person\u2019s expense and uses blame-shifting to deflect. For example, they may say \u201cStop being so sensitive\u201d or \u201cIt was just a joke!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>True intelligent humor is never at the expense of another person. An entertaining joke that everyone can enjoy requires more creativity than sarcasm and put-downs which are aimed at one individual.<\/p>\n<p>Some families joke around and tease each other and put one another down pointing out our weakness and insecurities as if it was a sport. This type of harmful joking impacts children deeply. It creates shame and insecurity, teaching the child they need to perform well to receive love.<\/p>\n<h3 style=\"\">LYING<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/staging.themendproject.com\/es\/is-lying-abuse\/\" style=\"outline: none;\">Lying<\/a> is when someone consciously or unconsciously withholds or alters the truth with blatant disregard.<\/p>\n<p>Many people lie without being covert abusers. The overt act of lying is harmful to everyone regardless of the reason for the lie. When a lie is used because it brings the liar a sense of satisfaction to deceive their partner and witness their confusion, it\u2019s abusive.In abusive relationships, <a href=\"https:\/\/staging.themendproject.com\/es\/is-lying-abuse\/\" style=\"outline: none;\">lying<\/a> is regularly used to avoid taking responsibility, having authentic connection, or resolving conflict.<\/p>\n<h3 style=\"\">WITHHOLDING<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/staging.themendproject.com\/es\/emotional-abuse-withholding\/\">Withholding<\/a>&nbsp;is one of the most damaging forms of covert emotional abuse. Withholding occurs when an individual tries to control or dominate another person by refusing to authentically communicate, offer compliments or praise, or show physical warmth or connection.<\/p>\n<p>We see it most often when someone refuses loving physical touch, gives their partner the \u201csilent treatment,\u201d or refuses to celebrate their accomplishments.<\/p>\n<p>The victim\u2019s attempt at healthy confrontation usually results in some form of withholding. The abuser may refuse to speak with their partner for several days on end in response to an attempt at healthy confrontation by them. We have heard from some survivors that their spouses would leave them for several days on end without telling them where they were going or if they were safe.<\/p>\n<p><span><img decoding=\"async\" alt=\"Withholding-covert-abuse\" data-id=\"6162\" width=\"347\" data-init-width=\"450\" height=\"560\" data-init-height=\"726\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/staging.themendproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/10\/Withholding-covert-abuse.jpg\" data-width=\"347\" data-height=\"560\" style=\"aspect-ratio: auto 450 \/ 726;\"><\/span><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"\/es\/emotional-abuse-withholding\/\" style=\"outline: none;\">Withholding<\/a> is used as a form of punishment to the victim for confronting the abuser. It puts the onus on the victim to resolve the conflict, possibly by apologizing profusely when they did nothing wrong or begging the abuser to come home, talk to them, etc.<\/p>\n<p>Withholding makes many victims feel desperate for connection and willing to do anything to restore it, especially to let go of the issue that caused the need for confrontation.<\/p>\n<h3 style=\"\">PUT-DOWNS<\/h3>\n<p>Another harmful tactic is Put-Downs. These happen when a person publicly punishes, verbally attacks, or criticizes the victim. They are a form of abusive control or power that causes shame and humiliation in the victim.<\/p>\n<p>Regular put-downs deplete the victim\u2019s sense of self-worth and esteem, leading to depression and isolation.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"\"><img decoding=\"async\" alt=\"gas-lighting_abuse\" data-id=\"6165\" width=\"438\" data-init-width=\"450\" height=\"875\" data-init-height=\"900\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/staging.themendproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/10\/gas-lighting_abuse.jpg\" data-width=\"438\" data-height=\"875\" ml-d=\"0\" mt-d=\"-8.92999999999995\" style=\"aspect-ratio: auto 450 \/ 900;\"><\/span><\/p>\n<h3 style=\"\">GASLIGHTING<\/h3>\n<p>Gaslighting is another example. A narcissist will use gaslighting \u2013 for example, telling the victim their memory of an incident is wrong \u2013 to make the victim eventually believe they got it wrong and that the narcissist\u2019s memory is correct when it is not. All the while, the abuser is enjoying the victim\u2019s confusion and using it to gain support from onlookers who eventually side with the abuser. The intent is to make the victim feel like they are losing their mind and to convince others that they are unstable.<\/p>\n<h2 style=\"\">COVERT AND OVERT EMOTIONAL ABUSE BEHAVIORS FOOL THE OUTSIDERS LOOKING INTO THE RELATIONSHIP<\/h2>\n<p>It\u2019s almost impossible for those outside of the relationship to identify covert behavior because the person\u2019s overt actions are often believed to be what they seem \u2013 for example, the apology is seen as an apology because the covert motive behind it is unknown.<\/p>\n<p>It becomes even more complicated for outsiders or responders to recognize covert abuse because the covert narcissist <a href=\"https:\/\/staging.themendproject.com\/es\/pillars-of-abuse\/\" style=\"outline: none;\">acts so differently in the public eye<\/a>, often showing him or herself as a nice man or woman. So, friends and families find it hard to believe the person would have nefarious covert intentions to harm their significant other.<\/p>\n<p>As a result, outsiders, even those closest to the one who is being harmed, often fail to understand the victim\u2019s concern, possibly even believing the victim is being dramatic or overly demanding. They ultimately dismiss the issue and miss the opportunity to help someone in an abusive relationship.<\/p>\n<p>Overt behaviors, on the other hand, are apparent even to strangers.<\/p>\n<p>Overt emotional abuse includes obvious behaviors such as name-calling, screaming and cussing at, or degrading your mate, and physical violence. You don\u2019t need to be a close friend of the abuser to recognize the behavior as harmful.<\/p>\n<h2 style=\"\">THE BENEFITS OF RECOGNIZING AND DEALING WITH COVERT BEHAVIOR<\/h2>\n<p>Because it is so hard to recognize with confidence, <strong>covert abuse is hard to stop<\/strong>. The tactics are designed to create <em>self-doubt, extreme confusion, stress, and feelings of isolation<\/em> in the victim.<\/p>\n<p>Having to respond to repeated covert behaviors being employed against them within an intimate relationship puts the victim in a state of prolonged stressful confusion, impacting their ability to think clearly and to respond constructively to the abuse.<\/p>\n<p>However, once a victim learns the correct language and can name the tactics they face, they can respond more constructively. The clarity knowledge brings diminishes the level of confusion and stress the victim experiences.<\/p>\n<h3 style=\"\">CLARITY<\/h3>\n<p><strong>Clarity is the first essential step to healing.<\/strong> It allows the person who has been harmed to separate themself from the covert behavior and recognize it\u2019s not their fault. It enables them to place responsibility for the harm on the abuser.<\/p>\n<p>Through clarifying terms and definitions, all those impacted by abuse can name and identify the nature of the source of their stress, confusion, and traumatic symptoms. This is a key step towards being able to deal with overt and covert behaviors.<\/p>\n<h2 style=\"color: rgb(155, 124, 59) !important; --tcb-applied-color: rgb(155, 124, 59) !important;\">HOW TO DEAL WITH OVERT AND COVERT BEHAVIORS<\/h2>\n<p>Gaining clarity empowers victims for the first time. They learn how to call out those behaviors specifically as well as begin to manage them by setting firm boundaries, adopting self-care strategies, or even choosing to leave the relationship temporarily or permanently in a safe and effective manner.<\/p>\n<p>Once a victim is ready, the first step is to set a boundary against harmful covert and overt behaviors. Taking this step may take time, and we recommend working with a domestic violence advocate, agency, or highly-skilled therapist to help the victim to rebuild their self-esteem and gain strength in using their voice to place firm boundaries &#8211; and to do so safely.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"\"><img decoding=\"async\" alt=\"healing-journey-covert-abuse\" data-id=\"6166\" width=\"347\" data-init-width=\"450\" height=\"694\" data-init-height=\"900\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/staging.themendproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/10\/healing-journey-covert-abuse.jpg\" data-width=\"347\" data-height=\"694\" ml-d=\"0\" mt-d=\"0\" mt-t=\"0\" ml-t=\"0\" style=\"aspect-ratio: auto 450 \/ 900;\"><\/span><\/p>\n<h2 style=\"color: rgb(155, 124, 59) !important; --tcb-applied-color: rgb(155, 124, 59) !important;\">GETTING HELP<\/h2>\n<p>It\u2019s important to have strong support, professional or otherwise, to identify the safest ways to respond to the abuse.<\/p>\n<p>The abuse may escalate when the abuser is confronted, or when the victim sets boundaries. More obvious forms of emotional abuse, such as forced isolation, financial control, jealousy, and other methods of overt control, are more likely to lead to physical violence and extreme violence, particularly when the victim chooses to set boundaries or leave. We strongly encourage seeking the guidance and support of someone who is well-trained in dealing with abuse regarding the safest way to confront the abuse or exit the relationship.<\/p>\n<p>And it\u2019s important to keep in mind that when firm boundaries are set, it doesn\u2019t mean the abuser will take responsibility and change. Most often, someone who is entrenched in faulty thinking will be unwilling to make a change or admit they need help. Statistically speaking, most abusers are unwilling to do the hard work transformation requires.<\/p>\n<h2 style=\"color: rgb(155, 124, 59) !important; --tcb-applied-color: rgb(155, 124, 59) !important;\">YOU ARE WORTHY OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP<\/h2>\n<p>Victims of these types of behaviors work much harder to have fulfilling and authentic conversations. Often, their efforts only lead to dead ends, and can backfire and be used against them through the various defensive tactics that abusers habitually employ.<\/p>\n<p>Acts that demonstrate mutual love and respect toward each other, acknowledging and valuing each other, and maintaining a heart for healthy connection make all the difference. And you are worthy of this type of relationship!<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>It is difficult to understand overt versus covert behaviors and how each plays out within relationships. Yet understanding is the key to overcoming.&nbsp; Covert behaviors are incredibly confusing and especially difficult to discern. The person inside the relationship who is experiencing covert behaviors often has no idea what is happening or how to respond effectively.&nbsp; [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":23,"featured_media":9081,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":"","tve_updated_post":"<div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv-page-section tve-height-update\">\n\t<div class=\"tve-page-section-out\"><\/div>\n\t<div class=\"tve-page-section-in tve_empty_dropzone\" data-css=\"tve-u-18987696018\"><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\"><p>It is difficult to understand <em>overt versus covert behaviors<\/em> and how each plays out within relationships. Yet understanding is the key to overcoming.&nbsp;<\/p><p>Covert behaviors are <em>incredibly confusing<\/em> and especially difficult to discern. The person inside the relationship who is experiencing covert behaviors often has no idea what is happening or how to respond effectively.&nbsp;<\/p><p>Covert behaviors also fool those outside the relationship looking in. The confusion often causes those in the couple\u2019s close community to react in ways that unintentionally uphold the abuse and abandon the victim.&nbsp;<\/p><p>In this article, we will unpack the confusion by defining covert and overt behaviors, providing examples of what they look like in relationships, and discussing how they impact those within the relationship and deceive those on the outside.&nbsp;<\/p><p>Let\u2019s dive in.&nbsp;<\/p><h2 class=\"\" style=\"color: rgb(155, 124, 59) !important; --tcb-applied-color: rgb(155, 124, 59) !important;\">DEFINING OVERT AND COVERT BEHAVIOR<\/h2><p>In simplest terms, overt means \u201capparent\u201d or \u201cvisible.\u201d Covert means \u201chidden\u201d or \u201cconcealed.\u201d<\/p><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv-columns\" style=\"--tcb-col-el-width: 890;\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de1e8391\"><div class=\"tcb-flex-row v-2 tcb-resized tcb--cols--2 tcb-medium-wrap\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de1e872f\" style=\"\"><div class=\"tcb-flex-col\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de1bb2a3\" style=\"\"><div class=\"tcb-col\"><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\">\t<h3 style=\"\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de287899\" class=\"\">Covert Abuse<\/h3><p>Covert abuse refers to&nbsp;<em>subtle, confusing, and hidden tactics<\/em>&nbsp;that could be masked as concern, hurt, or misunderstanding rather than readily seen as abusive.<\/p><p><em>Covert abusive behaviors are complicated for anyone to detect.<\/em><\/p><h3 data-css=\"tve-u-192de287899\" class=\"\">Overt Abuse<\/h3><p>On the other hand,<em>&nbsp;overt behavior is obvious and hard to miss.<\/em><\/p><p>In an intimate relationship, recognizing covert behaviors is incredibly difficult for the person who is being harmed because they are living in a&nbsp;<strong>separate reality<\/strong> from their partner\u2019s reality. They want to believe their partner intends to be loving, not controlling or manipulative. This makes it nearly impossible for them to identify the destructive covert behaviors.<\/p><\/div><\/div><\/div><div class=\"tcb-flex-col\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de1c1b70\" style=\"\"><div class=\"tcb-col\"><div class=\"thrv_wrapper tve_image_caption\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de1cdbd6\" style=\"\"><span class=\"tve_image_frame\"><picture decoding=\"async\" class=\"tve_image wp-image-6151 tcb-moved-image\" data-id=\"6151\" data-init-width=\"450\" data-init-height=\"726\" title=\"covert-abusive-behavior\" loading=\"lazy\" data-width=\"347\" data-height=\"560\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de27f29c\" style=\"aspect-ratio: auto 450 \/ 726;\">\n<source type=\"image\/webp\">\n<img decoding=\"async\" alt=\"covert-abusive-behavior\" data-id=\"6151\" width=\"347\" data-init-width=\"450\" height=\"560\" data-init-height=\"726\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/staging.themendproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/10\/covert-abusive-behavior.jpg\" data-width=\"347\" data-height=\"560\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de27f29c\" style=\"aspect-ratio: auto 450 \/ 726;\">\n<\/picture>\n<\/span><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\"><h2 class=\"\" style=\"color: rgb(155, 124, 59) !important; --tcb-applied-color: rgb(155, 124, 59) !important;\">OVERT AND COVERT BEHAVIORS CAN BE DAMAGING TO A RELATIONSHIP<\/h2><p>To illustrate the impact of overt and covert behaviors, let\u2019s look at a common scenario between parent and child. For several nights in a row, the child wakes up scared and crying because they had a nightmare. The parent then tells them, \u201cIt was just a dream,\u201d and not to worry while the child remains terrified to go back to bed. Rather than provide comfort in their stress, the parent dismisses the experience altogether through their response.<\/p><p>The parent likely allowed their exhaustion to justify dismissing the child\u2019s feelings rather than nurturing them. And while the parent wasn\u2019t being abusive, the parent missed the opportunity to see, hear, and teach the child. The parent intended to help the child with their fear, not to harm them. Yet, <em>overt behaviors, even when not abusive, can still cause harm<\/em>. In this instance, through minimizing and dismissing the child in their need for comfort.<\/p><p>So, when do overt and covert behaviors become abusive?<\/p><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\"><h2 class=\"\" style=\"color: rgb(155, 124, 59) !important; --tcb-applied-color: rgb(155, 124, 59) !important;\">EXAMPLES OF OVERT AND COVERT ABUSE BEHAVIORS<\/h2><p>Let\u2019s consider when someone says or does something they apologize for later. An apology usually means that the person saying \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d is actually sorry for their behavior.<\/p><p>The covert thought behind an overt apology is remorse.<\/p><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv-columns\" style=\"--tcb-col-el-width: 890;\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de1e4faa\"><div class=\"tcb-flex-row v-2 tcb-resized tcb--cols--2 tcb-medium-wrap\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de1e578b\" style=\"\"><div class=\"tcb-flex-col\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de1d89d0\" style=\"\"><div class=\"tcb-col\"><div class=\"thrv_wrapper tve_image_caption\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de1e2562\"><span class=\"tve_image_frame\"><picture decoding=\"async\" class=\"tve_image wp-image-6156\" data-id=\"6156\" data-init-width=\"500\" data-init-height=\"828\" title=\"overt-and-covert-behavior\" loading=\"lazy\" data-width=\"347\" data-height=\"575\" style=\"aspect-ratio: auto 500 \/ 828;\">\n<source type=\"image\/webp\">\n<img decoding=\"async\" alt=\"overt-and-covert-behavior\" data-id=\"6156\" width=\"347\" data-init-width=\"500\" height=\"575\" data-init-height=\"828\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/staging.themendproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/10\/overt-and-covert-behavior.jpg\" data-width=\"347\" data-height=\"575\" style=\"aspect-ratio: auto 500 \/ 828;\">\n<\/picture>\n<\/span><\/div><\/div><\/div><div class=\"tcb-flex-col\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de1d7d28\" style=\"\"><div class=\"tcb-col\"><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\">\t<p>A partial apology, however, is a covert emotional abuse behavior tactic narcissists commonly use to manipulate a person\u2019s actions or reactions. The covert thought behind the \u201capology\u201d has nothing to do with remorse. Instead, the apology is being used to avoid true accountability and to deceive the victim into \u201cletting it go,\u201d taking the attention off of the abuser and their harmful behavior.<\/p><p>If you don\u2019t recognize the covert emotionally abusive behavior, you are likely to be deceived by the overt act of the apology. The deception enables the person causing harm to manipulate their partner over again.<\/p><p>The best way to understand how overt and covert behaviors are used within abusive relationships is by learning about some common tactics covert abusers use. The following covert behavior examples are common in emotionally abusive relationships:<\/p><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\"><h3 class=\"\" style=\"\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de24ecc5\">WEAPONIZED JOKING<\/h3><p><a href=\"https:\/\/staging.themendproject.com\/toxic-joking\/\" class=\"\" style=\"outline: none;\">Weaponized Joking<\/a> is a harmful behavior where the abusive partner says mean things at the other person\u2019s expense and uses blame-shifting to deflect. For example, they may say \u201cStop being so sensitive\u201d or \u201cIt was just a joke!\u201d<\/p><p>True intelligent humor is never at the expense of another person. An entertaining joke that everyone can enjoy requires more creativity than sarcasm and put-downs which are aimed at one individual.<\/p><p>Some families joke around and tease each other and put one another down pointing out our weakness and insecurities as if it was a sport. This type of harmful joking impacts children deeply. It creates shame and insecurity, teaching the child they need to perform well to receive love.<\/p><h3 class=\"\" style=\"\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de2509c0\">LYING<\/h3><p><a href=\"https:\/\/staging.themendproject.com\/is-lying-abuse\/\" class=\"\" style=\"outline: none;\">Lying<\/a> is when someone consciously or unconsciously withholds or alters the truth with blatant disregard.<\/p><p>Many people lie without being covert abusers. The overt act of lying is harmful to everyone regardless of the reason for the lie. When a lie is used because it brings the liar a sense of satisfaction to deceive their partner and witness their confusion, it\u2019s abusive.<br>In abusive relationships, <a href=\"https:\/\/staging.themendproject.com\/is-lying-abuse\/\" class=\"\" style=\"outline: none;\">lying<\/a> is regularly used to avoid taking responsibility, having authentic connection, or resolving conflict.<\/p><h3 class=\"\" style=\"\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de253369\">WITHHOLDING<\/h3><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv-columns\" style=\"--tcb-col-el-width: 890;\"><div class=\"tcb-flex-row v-2 tcb-resized tcb--cols--2\"><div class=\"tcb-flex-col\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de1f3542\" style=\"\"><div class=\"tcb-col\"><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\">\t<p><a href=\"https:\/\/staging.themendproject.com\/emotional-abuse-withholding\/\">Withholding<\/a>&nbsp;is one of the most damaging forms of covert emotional abuse. Withholding occurs when an individual tries to control or dominate another person by refusing to authentically communicate, offer compliments or praise, or show physical warmth or connection.<\/p><p>We see it most often when someone refuses loving physical touch, gives their partner the \u201csilent treatment,\u201d or refuses to celebrate their accomplishments.<\/p><p>The victim\u2019s attempt at healthy confrontation usually results in some form of withholding. The abuser may refuse to speak with their partner for several days on end in response to an attempt at healthy confrontation by them. We have heard from some survivors that their spouses would leave them for several days on end without telling them where they were going or if they were safe.<\/p><\/div><\/div><\/div><div class=\"tcb-flex-col\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de1f2b53\" style=\"\"><div class=\"tcb-col\"><div class=\"thrv_wrapper tve_image_caption\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de1f7c6a\"><span class=\"tve_image_frame\"><picture decoding=\"async\" class=\"tve_image wp-image-6162\" data-id=\"6162\" data-init-width=\"450\" data-init-height=\"726\" title=\"Withholding-covert-abuse\" loading=\"lazy\" data-width=\"347\" data-height=\"560\" style=\"aspect-ratio: auto 450 \/ 726;\">\n<source type=\"image\/webp\">\n<img decoding=\"async\" alt=\"Withholding-covert-abuse\" data-id=\"6162\" width=\"347\" data-init-width=\"450\" height=\"560\" data-init-height=\"726\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/staging.themendproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/10\/Withholding-covert-abuse.jpg\" data-width=\"347\" data-height=\"560\" style=\"aspect-ratio: auto 450 \/ 726;\">\n<\/picture>\n<\/span><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\"><p><a href=\"\/emotional-abuse-withholding\/\" class=\"\" style=\"outline: none;\">Withholding<\/a> is used as a form of punishment to the victim for confronting the abuser. It puts the onus on the victim to resolve the conflict, possibly by apologizing profusely when they did nothing wrong or begging the abuser to come home, talk to them, etc.<\/p><p>Withholding makes many victims feel desperate for connection and willing to do anything to restore it, especially to let go of the issue that caused the need for confrontation.<\/p><h3 class=\"\" style=\"\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de256202\">PUT-DOWNS<\/h3><p>Another harmful tactic is Put-Downs. These happen when a person publicly punishes, verbally attacks, or criticizes the victim. They are a form of abusive control or power that causes shame and humiliation in the victim.<\/p><p>Regular put-downs deplete the victim\u2019s sense of self-worth and esteem, leading to depression and isolation.<\/p><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrive_leads_shortcode\"><div class=\"thrive-shortcode-config\" style=\"display: none !important;\">__CONFIG_leads_shortcode__{\"id\":\"6557\"}__CONFIG_leads_shortcode__<\/div><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv-columns\" style=\"--tcb-col-el-width: 890;\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de2170d6\"><div class=\"tcb-flex-row v-2 tcb-resized tcb--cols--2\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de2174bf\" style=\"\"><div class=\"tcb-flex-col\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de20137f\" style=\"\"><div class=\"tcb-col\" style=\"\"><div class=\"thrv_wrapper tve_image_caption\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de208134\"><span class=\"tve_image_frame\" style=\"\"><picture decoding=\"async\" class=\"tve_image wp-image-6165\" data-id=\"6165\" data-init-width=\"450\" data-init-height=\"900\" title=\"gas-lighting_abuse\" loading=\"lazy\" data-width=\"438\" data-height=\"875\" style=\"aspect-ratio: auto 450 \/ 900;\" ml-d=\"0\" mt-d=\"-8.92999999999995\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de26cb81\">\n<source type=\"image\/webp\">\n<img decoding=\"async\" alt=\"gas-lighting_abuse\" data-id=\"6165\" width=\"438\" data-init-width=\"450\" height=\"875\" data-init-height=\"900\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/staging.themendproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/10\/gas-lighting_abuse.jpg\" data-width=\"438\" data-height=\"875\" ml-d=\"0\" mt-d=\"-8.92999999999995\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de26cb81\" style=\"aspect-ratio: auto 450 \/ 900;\">\n<\/picture>\n<\/span><\/div><\/div><\/div><div class=\"tcb-flex-col\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de201b6f\" style=\"\"><div class=\"tcb-col\" style=\"\"><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\"><h3 style=\"\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de2588c5\" class=\"\">GASLIGHTING<\/h3><p>Gaslighting is another example. A narcissist will use gaslighting \u2013 for example, telling the victim their memory of an incident is wrong \u2013 to make the victim eventually believe they got it wrong and that the narcissist\u2019s memory is correct when it is not. All the while, the abuser is enjoying the victim\u2019s confusion and using it to gain support from onlookers who eventually side with the abuser. The intent is to make the victim feel like they are losing their mind and to convince others that they are unstable.<\/p><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\"><h2 class=\"\" style=\"\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de25b44e\">COVERT AND OVERT EMOTIONAL ABUSE BEHAVIORS FOOL THE OUTSIDERS LOOKING INTO THE RELATIONSHIP<\/h2><p>It\u2019s almost impossible for those outside of the relationship to identify covert behavior because the person\u2019s overt actions are often believed to be what they seem \u2013 for example, the apology is seen as an apology because the covert motive behind it is unknown.<\/p><p>It becomes even more complicated for outsiders or responders to recognize covert abuse because the covert narcissist <a href=\"https:\/\/staging.themendproject.com\/pillars-of-abuse\/\" class=\"\" style=\"outline: none;\">acts so differently in the public eye<\/a>, often showing him or herself as a nice man or woman. So, friends and families find it hard to believe the person would have nefarious covert intentions to harm their significant other.<\/p><p>As a result, outsiders, even those closest to the one who is being harmed, often fail to understand the victim\u2019s concern, possibly even believing the victim is being dramatic or overly demanding. They ultimately dismiss the issue and miss the opportunity to help someone in an abusive relationship.<\/p><p>Overt behaviors, on the other hand, are apparent even to strangers.<\/p><p>Overt emotional abuse includes obvious behaviors such as name-calling, screaming and cussing at, or degrading your mate, and physical violence. You don\u2019t need to be a close friend of the abuser to recognize the behavior as harmful.<\/p><h2 class=\"\" style=\"\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de25ccf8\">THE BENEFITS OF RECOGNIZING AND DEALING WITH COVERT BEHAVIOR<\/h2><p>Because it is so hard to recognize with confidence, <strong>covert abuse is hard to stop<\/strong>. The tactics are designed to create <em>self-doubt, extreme confusion, stress, and feelings of isolation<\/em> in the victim.<\/p><p>Having to respond to repeated covert behaviors being employed against them within an intimate relationship puts the victim in a state of prolonged stressful confusion, impacting their ability to think clearly and to respond constructively to the abuse.<\/p><p>However, once a victim learns the correct language and can name the tactics they face, they can respond more constructively. The clarity knowledge brings diminishes the level of confusion and stress the victim experiences.<\/p><h3 class=\"\" style=\"\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de25e8b2\">CLARITY<\/h3><p><strong>Clarity is the first essential step to healing.<\/strong> It allows the person who has been harmed to separate themself from the covert behavior and recognize it\u2019s not their fault. It enables them to place responsibility for the harm on the abuser.<\/p><p>Through clarifying terms and definitions, all those impacted by abuse can name and identify the nature of the source of their stress, confusion, and traumatic symptoms. This is a key step towards being able to deal with overt and covert behaviors.<\/p><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv-columns\" style=\"--tcb-col-el-width: 890;\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de237cfc\"><div class=\"tcb-flex-row v-2 tcb--cols--2 tcb-resized\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de238131\" style=\"\"><div class=\"tcb-flex-col ui-resizable-resizing\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de2321cf\" style=\"\"><div class=\"tcb-col\" style=\"\"><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\">\t<h2 style=\"color: rgb(155, 124, 59) !important; --tcb-applied-color: rgb(155, 124, 59) !important;\" class=\"\">HOW TO DEAL WITH OVERT AND COVERT BEHAVIORS<\/h2><p>Gaining clarity empowers victims for the first time. They learn how to call out those behaviors specifically as well as begin to manage them by setting firm boundaries, adopting self-care strategies, or even choosing to leave the relationship temporarily or permanently in a safe and effective manner.<\/p><p>Once a victim is ready, the first step is to set a boundary against harmful covert and overt behaviors. Taking this step may take time, and we recommend working with a domestic violence advocate, agency, or highly-skilled therapist to help the victim to rebuild their self-esteem and gain strength in using their voice to place firm boundaries - and to do so safely.<\/p><\/div><\/div><\/div><div class=\"tcb-flex-col\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de232e65\" style=\"\"><div class=\"tcb-col\" style=\"\"><div class=\"thrv_wrapper tve_image_caption\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de22f2e8\"><span class=\"tve_image_frame\" style=\"\"><picture decoding=\"async\" class=\"tve_image wp-image-6166 tcb-moved-image\" data-id=\"6166\" data-init-width=\"450\" data-init-height=\"900\" title=\"healing-journey-covert-abuse\" loading=\"lazy\" data-width=\"347\" data-height=\"694\" style=\"aspect-ratio: auto 450 \/ 900;\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de2311d5\" ml-d=\"0\" mt-d=\"0\" mt-t=\"0\" ml-t=\"0\">\n<source type=\"image\/webp\">\n<img decoding=\"async\" alt=\"healing-journey-covert-abuse\" data-id=\"6166\" width=\"347\" data-init-width=\"450\" height=\"694\" data-init-height=\"900\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/staging.themendproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/10\/healing-journey-covert-abuse.jpg\" data-width=\"347\" data-height=\"694\" data-css=\"tve-u-192de2311d5\" ml-d=\"0\" mt-d=\"0\" mt-t=\"0\" ml-t=\"0\" style=\"aspect-ratio: auto 450 \/ 900;\">\n<\/picture>\n<\/span><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><div class=\"thrv_wrapper thrv_text_element\"><h2 class=\"\" style=\"color: rgb(155, 124, 59) !important; --tcb-applied-color: rgb(155, 124, 59) !important;\">GETTING HELP<\/h2><p>It\u2019s important to have strong support, professional or otherwise, to identify the safest ways to respond to the abuse.<\/p><p>The abuse may escalate when the abuser is confronted, or when the victim sets boundaries. More obvious forms of emotional abuse, such as forced isolation, financial control, jealousy, and other methods of overt control, are more likely to lead to physical violence and extreme violence, particularly when the victim chooses to set boundaries or leave. We strongly encourage seeking the guidance and support of someone who is well-trained in dealing with abuse regarding the safest way to confront the abuse or exit the relationship.<\/p><p>And it\u2019s important to keep in mind that when firm boundaries are set, it doesn\u2019t mean the abuser will take responsibility and change. Most often, someone who is entrenched in faulty thinking will be unwilling to make a change or admit they need help. Statistically speaking, most abusers are unwilling to do the hard work transformation requires.<\/p><h2 class=\"\" style=\"color: rgb(155, 124, 59) !important; --tcb-applied-color: rgb(155, 124, 59) !important;\">YOU ARE WORTHY OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP<\/h2><p>Victims of these types of behaviors work much harder to have fulfilling and authentic conversations. Often, their efforts only lead to dead ends, and can backfire and be used against them through the various defensive tactics that abusers habitually employ.<\/p><p>Acts that demonstrate mutual love and respect toward each other, acknowledging and valuing each other, and maintaining a heart for healthy connection make all the difference. And you are worthy of this type of relationship!<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n<\/div>","tve_custom_css":"@media (min-width: 300px){.tcb-post-list[data-css=\"tve-u-18955080c98\"] .post-wrapper.thrv_wrapper { width: calc(50% - 15px); }.tcb-post-list[data-css=\"tve-u-18955080c98\"] .post-wrapper.thrv_wrapper:nth-child(n+3) { margin-top: 14px !important; }.tcb-post-list[data-css=\"tve-u-18955080c98\"] .post-wrapper.thrv_wrapper:not(:nth-child(n+3)) { margin-top: 0px !important; }.tcb-post-list[data-css=\"tve-u-18955080c98\"] .post-wrapper.thrv_wrapper:not(:nth-child(2n)) { margin-right: 30px !important; }.tcb-post-list[data-css=\"tve-u-18955080c98\"] .post-wrapper.thrv_wrapper:nth-child(2n) { margin-right: 0px !important; }.tcb-post-list[data-css=\"tve-u-17bf426ee59\"] .post-wrapper.thrv_wrapper { width: calc(50% - 7.5px); }.tcb-post-list[data-css=\"tve-u-17bf426ee59\"] .post-wrapper.thrv_wrapper:nth-child(n+3) { margin-top: 15px !important; }.tcb-post-list[data-css=\"tve-u-17bf426ee59\"] 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